To the tune of 'Home on the Range'

O Give me a Phone!

O give me a phone
With a dialling tone
And selection of backgrounds to play
It will back my excuse
When I put it to use
And I'll stay in the boozer all day!

Chorus

Phone, phone in the pub
With selection of backgrounds to play
When these noises are heard
They will back up my words
And I'll stay in the boozer all day

When I'm phoning the wife
I don't fear for my life
There's the sound of the office on disc
When I say I work late
She can hear that's my fate -
I can stay in the pub without risk.

Or when phoning the boss
I am not at a loss
To convince him I'm stuck in a jam
Tyres swish, sirens blare
From the sounds in the air
He will think that he knows where I am.

What a wonderful booth
For disguising the truth
And giving me time in the bar
I just can't have enough
Of this vile old black stuff –
Have another, whoever you are.

Once I'd had quite a few
I played track number two
Told the boss I was still at my desk
Then the boss phoned the wife
And she gave me some strife
Now my life is a terrible mess

Still the booth's quite a game
I've achieved my dear aim
And I'll never again know dismay
For without job or wife
For the rest of my life
I can stay in the boozer all day !