As they argued about whether American Folkways should play more music
from Johnny Cash, Bill Monroe, or Bob Dylan, they heard a steady
plunking from ahead, accompanied by tuneless singing. Wodda ran
forward, calling "Come on, come on, there's another banjo ahead". The
others followed at their usual pace (Slider barely breaking stride to
say to Duck "Hey, my phone doesn't work.. can I use yours? Then can I
have your number?"). They heard shouts ahead, and assumed that Wodda
was greeting the other banjo player. But as they approached the
clearing...

Garthon sprang at Wodda. Wodda brought his banjo around, and it was on.
They began to play the duelling banjos.

"Well, it's not like we needed him anyway", said Fret. The rest of the party
continued on, leaving Garthon duelling Wodda.

    *****

As they continued down the path, they heard a swish in the leaves behind
them. "Duck" called Duck. Everyone looked at her lying on the ground,
and then dropped themselves to avoid the swoop of a woman in a black
cape. She was close enough that they could see her fangs. As she
passed to the front of the party, those behind her sprang to their knees
and pulled out their instruments of destruction. They stared as the
figure went around a turn in the path and disappeared.

"What was that about?", Fret asked.

"Typical full-vampire behaviour", said Duck.

"I thought typical full vampire behaviour was when they bit your neck
and sucked your blood out", said Slider.

"No, full-vampire, not full vampire. When they're full, and going
somewhere, they like to swoop people for fun, but then disappear
quickly. If they want to bite you, the first you will know is a nice
warm feeling on your neck while you're sleeping".

    *****

As they proceeded into a clearing, they saw a figure in a grubby white
robe. It had split at one side.

"Ho, stranger, what doest thou here?", called Fret.

"For calling me a ho, I'll fry you", said the stranger.

"Sorry-arse!", said Duck, the last to leave the trees.

"I should've brought more orcs", muttered Sorry-arse, pulling out a
chinese gong, a sitar, and a one-holed flute.

American Folkways fought back, but Sorry-arse's one-man band was out-of
rhythm, the sitar had a warped neck so he could play eight-tones in some
places, but only tones in others; additionally, he had mastered sitar
rasgueado (assuming that rhythmicity is not a component of rasgueado),
creating a great amount of dischord very quickly. They all stopped and
clapped their hands over their ears; not because they were giving in,
but because they saw a black shape swooping Sorry-arse from behind.
Sorry-arse's throat erupted in a welter of blood, shrieks, and a
squelch. The vampire began drinking the blood as it pulsed warmly from
the neck. Hugwee and Numbnutz were elected by the other members of the
party to approach the vampire.

"I am Comtessa Arachnicia Morte Sanguinbibious Dellacrowley Vampyr",
said the vampire. "Grovel or begone". Numbnutz and Hugwee fled. And
only just in time. A huge shape blotted out the sun. The members of
American Folkways grovelled. The Comtessa sprang up and turned to face
the new menace. But even her mouth simply dropped open as the huge
dragon picked her from the corpse of Sorry-arse, vapourised the corpse,
and flew away.

Duck and Slider rounded up the fleeing band members and made them flee
in the correct direction, Slider asking Duck "Is heaven missing an
angel? Because you're here, not there".

    *****

"What did you mean by killing him! I had first dibs on him! Not only
did he write nasty poetry about me under the name 'Fluid Druid', but he
sent some guy named Joe to tell me that he wanted to see my sorry arse
in a G-string!"

"Well, he posed as a psychiatrist, without any qualifications, and
misdiagnosed my singleness! He blamed it on my being a vampire! Can
you believe that? So anyway, I got carried away with my PMS a bit, but
he still deserved it".

"Hmm. Well, I'm single too! How about it babe? You and me against the
world! No-one understands me either. They keep sending me orc-rap,
when what I really like ... you won't tell, will you?"

"Of course not!", smiled Arachnia, playing with her hair and looking at
Shatnir through her eyelashes.

"I really like", Shatnir lowered his voice to a whisper, "Goth music".