Ladies & Gentlemen I give you the Beaufart Scale:

FORCE DESCRIPTION OBSERVED EFFECTS

0 Calm Nothing happeing despite your best efforts.

1 Light airs The sort of slight "parp" which leaves one slightly disappointed.

2 Light breeze No "parp" this time but much more smelly - aka the "Silent But Deadly" leading to a delayed reaction in the recipient and the accusation "f**k me was that you?"

3 Gentle Breeze A bit louder this time but not so loud that you cant blame the dog and get away with it!

4 Moderate Breeze A good, all round fart with a meaty aroma tending towards rotten eggs. Dog sniffs his own backside quizzically.

5 Fresh Breeze One of those farts where the urge to lift ones bottom cheeks and let rip becomes very strong, often leading to marital discord.

6 Strong Breeze And strong smell too! A real ripsnorter which causes everyone, including the dog, to leave the room in disgust, leaving you to chuckle hysterically to yourself.

7 Near Gale A real danger of "follow-through" from this one which causes the next-door neighbour to bang on the wall and complain about the noise.

8 Gale The one that rips the hole in your trousers or for those of the female persuasion give you that "Marilyn Monroe" moment. Dog flees the house whining piteously.

9 Severe Gale Even the perpetrator feels nauseous at this one! Should be reserved only for Aunts that you dont really like and Jehovas Witnesses. UN Security Council becomes concerned that you may be secretly developing WMD's.

10 Storm "Follow through" no longer a suspicion but a distinct possibility. Aroma almost unbearable. UN Security Council demands you allow inspectors to examine your "facilities."

11 Violent Storm You're really starting to regret that Vindaloo you had last night arent you? US threatens unilateral military action.

12 Hurricane It really is time for a change of underwear methinks. Neighbours don protective NBC suits and gas masks. The cruise missiles are en-route by the way!