I doubt that Davie Robertsons' humour is to everyone's taste but his observations of the human condition appeal to me.
Crime and Punishment
Saint Peter stood at heaven's gate tae vet the newly deid
Wi snaw white goonie, muckle beard, and a halo roond his heid
A wheen o new arrivals stood and trembled at his gaze
And bitterly repented o the error o their ways
First came a serial killer wha had terrorised the nation
By subjectin auld age pensioners tae rape and strangulation
"Come in ma lad" Saint Peter said "Yer sins are gey bad seemin
But we'll no deny ye entry ower a puckle daft auld weemin"
Next came an evil junkie whae presumed his hopes was nil
For he yuis tae deal in heroin tae wee bairns at the skuil
"Come ma lad, ye're no that bad. Even for your kind there's hope.
An we'll no deny ye entry ower a wee bit toot o dope"
Next came a gambler, a' his life he Lady Luck had served
He had squandered a' his fortune while his wife and children sterved
"Come in ma lad yer no that bad, come in an' meet yer buddies
An we'll no deny ye entry ower a flutter on the cuddies"
Next came a hopeless drunkard whae stood clamourin tae get in
As he pished against the gatepost, he splashed Saint Peter's shuin
The saint whipped oot a snaw-white cloot and dichted off his feet
"Come in" he says "but when next ye pee, there's a gents just up the street"
Next came a pervert lewd and vile, wi tastes base and perverse
His een lit up an lingered on a passin cherub's erse
"Come in ma lad, yer no that bad, oor love is wide and deep
An we'll overlook yer escapades wi Fettes boys and sheep"
So yin by yin they a moved up an forrit tae the gate
Thieves, muggers, rapists, murderers, they hadnae long tae wait
They never thocht in a' their days that they would be sae lucky
For it seemed the celestial gatekeeper wisnae botherin his buckie
Last came a fine upstanding chap in clean white shirt and tie
Sic a paragon o virtue seldom met Saint Peter's eye
Nae shame or blame had stained his name in a' his long life story
The gate swung wide, he stepped inside, intae eternal glory
Then sounded forth a michty voice that spoke wi awesome thunder
"Haud on the noo, this will not do, there's been a serious blunder
Send him tae Hell, where he'll serve well, employed as Satan's stoker
Nae room I fear, for him in here. That bastard is a smoker"