...Fruit & Veg feature quite heavily in part of this monologue about the Battle of Hastings!
It wor just before t'battle of Hastings, and t'protagonists wor waiting to start,
King Harold wor giving some praise to his troops to try and cheer up their dull hearts.
They'd had a reyt week of it so far, up to York and back they'd had to gallop,
an' they'd fowt a big battle at Stamford Bridge, and given Harald Hardrada a wallop!
So his army were all bloody knackered, they'd were sore in both body and foot
and they hadn't had much to eyt neither, cos t'local McDonalds were shut!
...Still, Harold had picked a good site for the fray, on t'top of old Senlac Hill,
and he thowt if he managed to gee up his men, 'at still lots of Normans they'd kill.
He took a quick look at the Normans, they looked wicked, professional and keen,
and at t'side of his mud spattered, slovenly crew, for French folk they looked fairly clean!
He saw big William the Bastard, fannying rahnd on his horse,
and he heard him shout summat i' Norman, that despite his poor French sounded coarse!
So he turned to a man in the front rank, his big Danish axe at his side,
"how stands the shield wall with you my good man?" the dauntless King Harold he cried!"
"What can you do with that axe my good man?" so the chap puts his hands in his pocket,
pulls out some lettuce and fennel and such like, wi' some cucumber, parsley an' rocket!
He chucks 'em all up in to t'air like, and chops them all up ere they dropped,
and up fills his helmet wi a nice little salad as in there each piece well it plopped!
"A present my Lord!" said the warrior, "And tonight when in victory we feast,
please enjoy this gift as a starter, in the hope that my honour increase!"
Well the troops started cheering like thunder, "That went rather well!" thought the King,
and next he strode up to a swordsman, and his praises he started to sing.
"Give us a show of your skill with that blade!" so the chap he pulls out a dead rabbit!
that he'd somehow managed to keep tucked away up the left sleeve of his habit!
His sword it flashed upwards and outwards, reflecting the suns rays so hot,
and before his eyes full of startled surprise it was skinned, chopped and dressed for the pot!
"To the Victor the spoils!" said the warrior, as he lay it down by the Kings feet,
"Please remember the deeds of this warrior, as tonight you sit down to your meat!"
The troops now they cheered even louder, and started to jump up and down,
as Harold went up to a Spearman, a big man with face gnarled and brown,
"What can you do with that spear my good man, canst thou cast the thing far good and true,
"Aye that I can!" said the soldier, "Just let me show what I can do!"
He threw the spear up to the heavens, (it was lost for a while in the sky,)
but each man held his breath as it soared back to earth, then each gave a piercing cry!
for quivering there on the spearshaft, just at the Kings feet in the muck,
were there if you please, three fine fat geese, a partridge and two brace o' duck!
Each man in the force roared like madmen, as t' King then to t'Archers he strode,
and he stopped in front of an odd lookin' chap, his face it wor t'colour o't'road!
"Now then good archer!" said Harold, "why not give me a taste of your skill?"
"...summat to put t'wind up them Normans!" and t'Archer said, "Reyt then I will!"
Well he fumbled abaht in his quiver, and he nocked up an arrow to t'string,
then he sorta let go a bit quickly, and t'arrow shot off with a spring.
It shot like a bird past t'King's ear oyle, and narrowly missed his old horse,
then it ricocheted back off an axe blade, and flew through the middle of his force.
There were men ducking down all ovver, the buggers were diving in groups,
as that arrow flew back at eye level it wor parting the hair of the troops!
the thing it caused such a commotion, it wor every poor man for hissen,
then it bounced off another mans helmet! and back towards t' King once again!
That arrow it flew straight towards him, he could see it come straight from afar!
as it sailed through the air t'tension mounted, and his men wi' one voice shouted, "Aarrgghh!"
But Harold he stood there undaunted, his courage he never would yield,
and it finally landed 3 inch from his heart, where he'd thankfully just placed his shield!!!
"Bugger me!" whispered Harold in t'silence, his men were all in disarray,
and t'archer were stood looking sorry for hissen thinkin', "Christ there'll be t'devil to pay!
But just at that moment t'horn sounded, and the Normans made haste up the track,
so they hastily got t'shield wall together again, and prepared to repel the attack!
King Harold he frowned at the Archer, and his eye it wor steely and grim!
and he called one of his Lieutenants over, and said, "I'll have a quick word about HIM!"
"When this battle's over I'll tear off his ears!" he said, as up there in his saddle he sat...
"But for now you just keep a good watch over him else,
HE'LL HAVE SOME BUGGERS EYE AHT WI' THAT!"