THE DEADWOOD STAGE

CALAMITY:
Oh, the Deadwood stage is a-rollin' on over the plains,
With the curtains flappin' and the driver slappin' the reins.
A beautiful sky! A wonderful day!
Whipcrack away, whipcrack away, whipcrack away!

Oh, the Deadwood stage is a-headin' on over the hills.
Where the Injun' arrows are thicker than porcupine quills,
Dangerous land! No time to delay!
So whipcrack away, whipcrack away, whipcrack away!

We're headin' straight for town,
Loaded down with a fancy cargo,
Care of Wells and Fargo, Illinois, boy!

Oh, the Deadwood stage is a-comin' on over the crest,
Like a homing pigeon that's a-hankerin' after its nest.
Twenty-three miles we've covered today,
So whipcrack away, whipcrack away, whipcrack away!

The wheels go turnin' round, homeward bound,
Can't you hear 'em hummin'?
Happy times are comin' fer to stay, hey!

We'll be home tonight by the light of the silvery moon,
And my hearts a-thumpin' like a mandolin a-plunkin' a tune.
When I get home I'm fixin' to stay,
So whipcrack away, whipcrack away, whipcrack away!
Whipcrack away, whipcrack away, whipcrack away!

SHERIFF:
Here they be! Here they be! How's about a welcome?
A peaceful sorta welcome for the gang?
"BANG!" [they all shoot their guns]

CALAMITY:
Oh, the Deadwood stage is finally home again.

GUY:
Well, excuse my stammerin' (??), if it ain't Calamity Jane!

2ND GUY:
Hiya, Calam! What'd ya bring us today?

3RD GUY:
New rubber boots?

2ND GUY:
Ten-dollar suits?

WOMAN:
Things to crochet?

CALAMITY:
Beads that sparkle like a prism,
Snake oil for your rheumatism.
Calico and gingham fer the girls.
Gumdrops made up in Chicag-y,
Gumdrops just a trifle soggy!
And a genuine string of artificial pearls.
Here's a hat from Cincinnati,
Same as Adelina Patti
Wore in every famous concert hall.
Cast your eye on Dr. Boris'
Patent-pending hair restorer,
Guaranteed to grow hair on a billiard ball!

.....Introducing Henry Miller,
Just as busy as a fizzy sarsaparilla.
He's a showman, and he's smarter,
Operates the Golden Garter
Where the cream of Deadwood city come to dine.
And I'm glad to say he's a very good friend of mine.

Hi Joe! Say, where'd you get them fancy clothes?
I know, off some feller's laundry line!
Hi Beau, aren't you the prairie rose,
Smelling like a watermelon vine!
Here's a man the sheriff watches.
On his gun there's more'n twenty-seven notches.
On the draw there's no on faster,
And you're flurtin' with disaster
When Bill Hickok's reputation you malign.
And I'm glad to say he's a very good friend, of a friend of mine!

Oh, my throat's as dry as a desert thistle in May,
In the Golden Garter, gonna wet my whistle today.
Last to the bar's a three legged crow,
Set 'em up Joe, set 'em up Joe, set 'em up Joe!

JOE:
Drinks on the house! Drinks on the house!

CALAMITY:
Set 'em up Joe!

(line breaks added by a Joe clone)