How could I care deeply for a man that has made my life heartbreaking and miserable? That's a very good question and one that is easy for me to answer. This man is lovable, but has a hard time being loving. He is not mean spirited, but some of the things he has done and said can be misconstrued as deliberate and cruel. For eg. my sister from Nebraska came to visit me. I hadn't seen her for 15 years. I planned a family dinner and of course I wanted her to meet my sweety. Well, he just didn't show up. I called him and he said he was tired and it was important that he get his sleep. In his mind that's what he needed to do, and he couldn't understand why I would be upset. Also, special occasions would go unobserved if he was involved in any of his special interests. Classic AS behavior.

As far as diagnosing a situation off the internet, I agree, it can have an "iffy" outcome. That's why I've spent hours researching before I dared to ask for help. I've watched countless AS videos on Youtube. I'm currently seeing a psychiatrist and he agrees that Asperger's could certainly explain a lot of his traits.

From what I have learned about AS is that it is possible for an Aspie to mask their unavailability. They, especially at 57 years of age, know what "normal" looks like. They just can't keep it up and all too soon, after the emotional connection is made, they slowly start to go back into their comfort zone.

It was never a situation of "Oh, you poor soul, let me be the one to
help/change you". I liked him just fine the way he was, I wasn't out to change who he was but I am guilty of wanting him to change his behavior. I am not using Asperger's as an excuse for my own emotional or social disabilities or as an excuse to justify my own short comings in the relationship. I stumbled across AS quite accidentally while speaking to a dear friend (an educator) about a mutual aquaintance who had just been recently diagnosed with AS. When she explained to me what it was, bells and whistles went off, and I began my research. I had already ended the relationship at this point. I ended it because my needs were not being met and I couldn't understand why. Now I do. I have no doubt that this man loved me in his own way but he couldn't show it in a "normal" way. For example, one day, he told me he didn't like kissing and he didn't like to be touched and he didn't like touching anyone and he didn't want to have sex anymore because it was too much work. He wouldn't change his clothes because the ones he had
on were comfy. He also stopped showering because he didn't like the way the water felt on his skin. I took all this very personally, to the point where I went on antidepressants and sought out professional help. I really thought everything was my fault even though, deep inside, I knew it wasn't.

Susan, I know people change all the time, I myself have made changes but from all that I've read it's near to impossible for people with AS to change. My psychiatrist has confirmed this. It is possible to "train" an Aspie, but in my mind that would be insulting and degrading for him. And what good would it do to have someone go through the motions of what you and I might conceive as being normal if you knew it wasn't something the person was comfortable with or had no connection to it's importance. I do feel badly about the outcome of this long term relationship. I feel bad for him and I feel bad for me. AND I feel bad for anyone trying to deal with a situation that is clearly valuable but unexplainable. I am moving on but it is with a heavy heart.

I thank you all for your input. I've been coming to Mudcat for 8 years now and I've read enough of your posts to know that if anyone needs genuine, sincere support, this the place to come. This has been extremely helpful.

Barb