I can only apologise - but they are funny (I like the one about the sheep dog)

There was recently a conference on multiple personality disorder. Anyone who was everyone was there.

Did you hear about the insomniac agnostic dyslexic who used to lie awake at night wondering if there really was a dog?

Or the dyslexic pimp who opened a Warehouse?

Or the dyslexic who went to a toga party dressed as a goat?

Or the dyslexic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to Santa

There was chaos at London Zoo this week. Someone gave the hyena an oxo cube and he ended up a laughing stock

Disaster in the Atlantic as a cargo ship carrying a load of blue paint crashed into a cargo ship carrying a load of red paint - the crews were all marooned.

What's green and eats nuts?

Syphilis.

I read a very disturbing article in a magazine the other day about the damaging effects of drinking too much. So that's it for me, no more reading.

A farmer sent his sheepdog out to count his sheep. The dog came back and said, "There's 40 of them".
The farmer said "40? but I only bought 39". The dog replied, "I know, I rounded them up".

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither

I saw a monkey walking down the street with a banana and a tin opener in his hand. I said "hey, monkey, you don't need a tin opener for a banana". The monkey said, "I know, it's for my custard."