A. J. Coles' (Jan Stewer's) "When Mother and me Joined In": now there's two old farts causing chaos - and they know exactly what they're doing.

When Mother and me Joined In

Now Mother and me be the old-fashioned sort,
But us bain't half so soft as us looks,
There's lots o' things that the young 'uns can larn
Besides what they reads in the books;
Us was ax'd to a dance 'bout a fortnight ago,
A slap-up affair which us thought quite slow,
No polkas, no gallops, no gay gavottes -
They just walked round and round and they called it foxtrots!
          But when Mother and me joined in,
          My word, what a time us spent;
          Us didn't know much of the steps (tunes/rules/moves), you see,
          But that didn't matter to Mother and me;
          Us made up the steps as us went.
I bowed to mother, her bowed to me,
And the band began to play,
And away us went with a one, two, three -
Us showed the young 'uns the way!
They was begging our pardon left and right
When we begun to spin;
You'd never believe what a difference it made
When Mother and me joined in!
         Well, when Mother and me... (steps)
The room was crowded, there wadn't much space,
And Mother weighs sixteen stone;
I whirled her round and round the place -
Us soon had the floor to our own;
Us scattered the chaps, they lost their maids,
Us went drough thick and thin;
          Oh, you'd never believe what a difference it made
          When Mother and me joined in.

Now last summer they had in our parish hall
A choral society;
There was thirty or forty all singing to once
Including Mother and me,
But instead o' they songs that everyone knows,
'Twas one o' they horror-torios;
They was all afraid to sing 'en out loud,
'Cus nobody knowed what 'twas all about.
          But when Mother and me... (tunes)
Well, the man in front, 'e waggled 'is stick
And the choir begun to squall,
but Mother and me, us drowned the lot
Wi' Uncle Tom Cobley and all;
I sung treble, and I sung bass;
The tenors was lost in the din;
You'd never believe...
          Well, when Mother and me... (tunes)
The choir all sang till they nearly bust
And got in a terrible rage,
But Mother and me, us finished fust
Be' very near 'alf a page;
The poor conductor, 'e lost 'is place,
'E didn't know where to begin;
          Oh, you'd never believe...

Now, last Friday night us was invited out
To a whist drive - start at eight;
Us never 'ad bin to one before,
And us got there a little bit late;
They was all sat round wi' faces glum
As if they was waiting for Kingdom come,
Like a load of ol' pa'sons saying their prayers
Wi' somebody bad in the room upstairs.
          But when Mother and me... (rules)
Well, I went fust and I laid down
The ace o' clubs wi' a slap;
I was next, I played the ace
O' trumps, and hollered, 'Snap!'
The crowd did roar, the MC swore;
We see'd us was gwain 'a win;
You'd never believe...
          Well, when Mother and me... (rules)
Well, I won fust prize be' all the rules
With a hunderd and ninety-eight,
But they refused to give it me;
They said I'd reckoned in the date;
Mother revoked, her partner choked;
The folks all said, wi' a grin,
          Oh, they'd never believe...

Now last week us went out on a charabanc ride
And got up to some fine high jinks;
Us went to place just to see what was on -
'Twas one o' they 'skating rinks';
The folks looked very fine and proud
As they went skating round and round;
I see'd some sights I never see'd afore
As they went gliding round the floor.
          But when Mother and me... (moves)
Well, a chap fitted me with two left skates
Of quite a different track,
For one was determined to go forrard
And t'other to go back;
When I said, 'Go!', I shouted, 'Whoa!
There's somebody locked in me shin!'
You'd never believe...
          Well, when Mother and me... (moves)
A chap said to me, 'Where be gwain to next?
I hollered, 'Goodness knows!'
Then Mother come slap-bang into me arms
And away the both of us goes.
There was skaters in heaps all over the floor
With pieces took out o' their skin;
          Oh, you'd never believe...