Health-care debate: Prognosis is grim
Tuesday, September 15, 2009 2:59 AM

By JOE BLUNDO

The suspense is killing me.

Let's jump ahead to see how the national debate on health-care reform progresses.

Here's what I foresee in the coming weeks:

Late September

President Obama addresses Congress again -- and again and again. During one stretch, he speaks 11 times in four days to explain the need for health-care reform. Republicans demonstrate their opposition by holding their hands over their ears and singing "la-la-la" so they can't hear him.

Former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, seeking to cash in on her role as promulgator of absurd myths, introduces a new product: "death paneling," for basement recreation rooms.

"It's lead-lined to prevent Obama's bureaucrats from using their X-ray vision to locate Granny and haul her off to be euthanized," she explains.

Insurance companies further tighten restrictions: Kids now must receive pre-approval before playing "doctor."

October

Obama portrays a patient without insurance on an episode of Grey's Anatomy to dramatize the need for health-care reform. Overnight polling shows that 52 percent of Americans still don't understand his proposals but are amused by how he looks in a hospital gown.

Republicans spread rumors that the administration will soon mandate that thermometers use Roman numerals as a first step toward European-style socialized medicine.

Vice President Joe Biden says the reform plan will improve public health and ensure that everyone in America can have arms like first lady Michelle Obama's. Outrage ensues.

The White House clarifies Biden's remark, saying that no schoolchildren will be allowed to acquire Michelle Obama arms without parental consent.

November

Obama announces that he will deliver a series of mandatory televised lectures to explain the need for health-care reform. Anyone who misses them must have an excused absence. About 296 million Americans send in a note from their mothers.

Conservative talk-show host Glenn Beck promises that he will donate a lung to someone in need if Republicans vote unanimously against health-care reform. Democrats say if he donates two lungs, they'll vote against it themselves.

Palin contends that Europeans with socialized medical care have longer life spans than Americans only because they measure age in dog years.

December

Obama takes a side job as a school nurse to dramatize the need for health-care reform. Republican Newt Gingrich urges the school's parents to let injured children lose up to a pint of blood rather than be treated by a "socialist."

A new book rockets up the best-seller charts: The Pre-Existing Condition That Stole Christmas. As in the Dr. Seuss original, the Whos battle a heartless villain -- except this one is an insurance company, so there's no happy ending.

After weeks of furious debate, Congress breaks for the holidays without voting on health-care reform.

"We're exhausted, and our doctors have prescribed rest," a tired House Speaker Nancy Pelosi tells a waitress in a coffee shop.

Says the waitress: "Glad you can afford a doctor, lady."