I've just started a hectic IT Support job. I intend circulating the following memo:

From: IT Support
To:   All staff

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an IT person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screensaver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We need to know that you can't get your e-mail, not that it's because your computer won't power on at all.

5. When IT Support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

6. When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

7. Send urgent e-mail all in uppercase. The e-mail server detects the capitals and flags the message for a rush delivery.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call IT Support. There's electronics in it.

9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call IT Support on your mobile phone. We can fix your land line remotely from here.

10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call IT Support. We're collectors.

11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

12. When an IT Support person tells you that computer monitors don't have ink cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

13. When an IT Support person tells you that (s)he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy won't work".

17. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the recent anti-virus software upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

21. When you find an IT Support person on the phone with the bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at them until they hang up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.

22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer sh*t." We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as sh*t.

23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT Support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

24. When you can't find someone in the local telephone directory, call IT Support.

25. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call IT Support. We love to hack.

26. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the IT Help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

27. When you receive a 30 Megabyte video streaming file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.

28. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.

29. When an IT person gets on the lift pushing several thousands pounds' worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.

30. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out remote sites at the other end of the country like to keep abreast of what's going on.

31. When you bump into an IT person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.

32. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature. Do blame IT Support when attempts to log in subsequently fail. You didn't actually do anything to the computer as such.

33. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.

34. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.

35. Keep it crashing!