Here is a poem I wrote way back that may give some insights as to how my life was to me while transitioning and still not fully in my life:

What Cannot Be

The world around me is closing in
Because I choose to see through these eyes of mine
A world I want so much to be a part of
But probably never can be

I look out on a golden meadow
And see a world how it could be
In glorious sunshine and wonderful shades
Of life that never can be

Others think they know me well
They do not see this world as I do
If they knew all there was to tell
I doubt they would even want to know the truth

Yet I can still be the person they want to know
And I can do the things expected of me
But I have to keep myself hidden from view
They only see half and not what cannot be

Inside I am alive and well
I mould the world I need to live in
But remain, half exposed, so others never really get to know
They never get the best from what cannot be

I'm judged upon a standard set by others
They fit me into how they view the world
But just because they are the majority of people
I still remain secluded by what cannot be

Oh, I know, how difficult this double-act becomes
When I am both parts on the stage
But only one part of me gets applause
Its not the other part that cannot be

If people saw with open eyes
The real person that I am inside
Their and my world would be the richer for it
For they would meet what cannot be

**** (me)
26/3/2001