From the Guide to Bad Parenting:

Tip #5 Halloween
Yes, it's that time of year again, when fall is in full swing, the leaves have changed colour and litter the ground, clogging up sewer drains to flood streets in the non stop rain. Yes, it's that beautiful time of year, when you're lucky to even catch a miniscule patch of blue sky, and even luckier to feel a slight touch of a sun ray, because you know you may not see or feel anything of the like again, until the following spring. Well, that is if it doesn't get so cold during the winter, all the moisture in the air dries up. Yes, it's that time of year, where you will see cheaply made gaudy costumes lining the aisles of the supermarkets, and adverts telling you to buy various types of chocolate flavoured wax, peppermint candies, artificially fruit seasoned tablets of sugar, tootsie rolls guaranteed to stick to your teeth for the week it takes them to dissolve in your mouth, or bubble gum that tastes like sweetened solidified gobs of petroleum with jokes lining the inside of the wrapper that not even your child would find all that funny. Yes, it's that time of year when beggars, instead of lining the streets soliciting you for a spare dollar or two, come banging on your front door for some tooth rotting sustenance, when drugs and cheap liquor would work just as well, if not better. Yes, it's that time of year again, that time that dentists the nation over salivate over, rubbing their sweaty palms together with glee, in anticipation of the customers they'll be robbing shortly.

It's the mainly American tradition of Halloween, when normally sane people display the true colours of their subconscious in horrifying gender bending, poorly applied make up, and clothing. You may be gearing up for that special day by watching various documentaries about vampires, werewolves, and the history of Halloween, or you may be watching poorly directed, poorly scripted, poorly acted cheesy horror flicks, where the only horrific aspect is that some one actually wasted money to make them, not to mention watch. However, as this is the Guide to Bad Parenting, I'll not waste your time (not that I truly care about that) or mine (which is more important), by discussing history or film critiquing, so if you were looking for such, do us both a favour and go some where else. I am here to properly train you to be a horrible parent.

So the first thing to be discussed in this lesson plan is costuming. Through out the year, children will be talking about what they want to be for Halloween. Their current idol changes with the seasons, and it is no different when October finally arrives, if anything their minds adjust to something different, depending on the direction of the wind. So, my advice is simple: do not let them decide anything, choose their costume for them. For boys I would suggest a Disney style princess outfit, and girls some ghastly werewolf or other monster costume. If you do it right, neither one will be happy with your choice, unless they are very strange, which is entirely possible if you have been following my steps through out this blog. You see, the idea is to get them upset with their costume, then you can piss them off even more by saying, "Fine! Be ungrateful! I worked hard on your costume. If you don't like it, then you'll just have to go without!" Then you grab your child or children by the hand/s and drag them from house to porch lit house, crying and throwing a loud tantrum. Every parent knows there is nothing more frightening than a screaming child. Isn't the goal of Halloween to scare people?

Now with trick or treating, let's say you followed the previous recommendation, your monster is showing their true demonic face beneath their reddened eyes and tear streaked faces, and people just shove handfuls of lollies, and other goodies into their bag, just to get you off their doorstep as quickly as possible, thinking maybe they should ring up the cops, but with the complacency displayed by most people chances are they will think you're not their problem anymore, when you disappear into the shadows down the street. Eventually, you head back to your house, dragging your squalling kid behind you.

Now, the public humiliation of trick or treating is over with for another year. You should place the bags of candy on the coffee table. Your little demonic spirits will surely be nagging you for some of their goodies, but first you have to examine each little piece for evidence of tampering. Though truth be told, this is an urban myth that was hyped up by a hysterical media. There has never been any evidence of razor blades found in the candies, and only two cases of children being poisoned by Halloween candy, and they were done by a parent. So normally this Halloween tradition would be needless, except for one thing: it is an irritating torture on your young ones. Just think of the fun you will have, watching their eyes grow sad and depressed as the "tampered" or "questionable" pile grows larger and larger, while only two or three pieces of candy are in the "safe" pile. However, be warned if you try to keep the goodies for yourself, your spawn will be watching you, so you will be forced to actually toss them into the rubbish bin, instead of sneaking them into your bedroom, to eat at your convenience, but then the thrill of seeing the pain you caused your children would be sufficient enough to make the sacrifice of the candies worthwhile.

There is an option though, I am sure you have not thought of, but it unfortunately only works if you're children are a bit older, like 10 to 12 years of age or so. You have them wear black balaclavas, hand each one a couple dozen eggs, and tell them to egg any police cars they see. If they are smart enough, they'll come home unescorted by uniformed patrolmen, but by that time their lollies could magically disappear into your room, where you can hold them to eat your own, or take them to work for your coworkers. The drawback with this plan,(in the slight chance you are too dim to see it) is that it could be a very expensive plan, for if your monsters are caught, well you are deemed responsible for their actions and are bestowed the privilege of paying any damages and court costs.

Now, this day is over for yet another year, and before you know it there will be no more trick or treaters residing in your house, with slobbering anticipation of the annual pillaging across the neighbourhood. No more will these little vikings-in-training be bringing their loot of victory back to your house, but soon after they will have little beasts of their own to give them nightmares.

Cheers.

nt