The version I remember, as far as it goes:

Twas the day of the king's castration,
The day of the king's last ball.
All the counts and no-accounts were seated about the hall, shooting the camel shit, for in those days bullshit hadn't been invented.
Sir Lancelot picked up a piece of shit and hurled it at random.
Random ducked and it hit the king.
"SHIT!" cried the king, and 40,000 loyal assholes heaved and strained in unison (for in those days the king's word was law).
Then in walked Daniel. "What?" cried Daniel.
"Any hole," said the king.
"Where's the princess?" said Daniel.
"In bed with laryngitis," said the king.
"I'll kill the Greek bastard," said Daniel. "Where's the Queen?"
"Fuck the Queen," said the King, and 40,000 loyal subjects were killed in the mad rush (for in those days the King's word was law).
The Queen emerged from the bedchamber ravaged and torn.
"Balls!" said the Queen. "If I had to I'd be King," and the King laughed, not because he wanted to, but because he felt he had two.
The Queen continued: "If I had three, I'd be a pawnshop, and if I had four, I'd take 1st base. If I had five, I'd be a pinball machine, and if I had six, I'd tilt."
"What a filthy crack!" said the King. "If I had one, I'd be Queen!"

I knew it as DANIEL IN THE LION'S DEN at college.