OK - here it is!

WHAT WOULD NELSON DO?
N: Order the signal, Hardy.
H: Aye-aye, sir.
N: Just a moment, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?
H: Sorry, sir?
N: "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability." What gobbledegook is this?
H: Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. The Navy's an equal-opportunities employer now. We had the Devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.
N: Gadzooks, Hardy! Hand me my pipe and tobacco.
H: Sorry, sir, your tobacco's been impounded. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.
N: In that case, break open the rum ration. Let's all splice the main brace, to steel the men before battle.
H: The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.
N: Good heavens, Hardy! Look, I suppose we'd better get on with it - full speed ahead!
H: I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water, sir.
N: Damn it, man! We are on the brink of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please.
H: I'm afraid health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. They said the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. No one's to go up there without a proper scaffolding.
N: Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy!
H: Er, he's actually busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral.
N: Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd!
H: Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled.
N: Differently-abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse to accept that as a description of myself! I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card!
H: Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
N: Whatever next, Hardy? Oh, well then, at least give me full sail - the salt spray beckons!
H: Sorry sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets.
N: I've never heard so much poppycock! Would you at least break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy, then?
H: Well, sir, the men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
N: What?! This is beginning to sound like mutiny!
H: It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.
N: Then how the devil are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?
H: We're not, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. And according to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a big claim for compensation.
N: But damn it, Hardy, you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the Devil!
H: I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that, sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary.
N: You must consider that every man who speaks ill of your King is your sworn enemy, surely?
H: Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now, please put on your Kevlar flak jacket, sir - it's the rules.
N: No need to tell me, Hardy - health and safety! Whatever happened to 'Rum, sodomy and the lash'?
H: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu...and there's a ban on corporal punishment.
N: What about sodomy?
H: Er - I believe it's to be encouraged, sir.
N: Oh, well, in that case - kiss me, Hardy!