"Most reviews are Onanism and not to be taken seriously and nor are their writers."

I do find reviews where you can see the writer reading the piece back to themselves, all the while inserting all the right pauses, wry eyebrow positions, and smug end of line snickers, thoroughly draining. Extra points deducted for gratuitously wanky use of obscure multi-syllabled words. Not that I dislike words with more than two syllables, long obscure words judiciously applied in the right context can be wonderfully appropriate and enjoyable - like seasoning a sentence.