Okay, let's make one thing clear from the getgo. I hate Chongo Chimp to the marrow of his bones. I loathe and despise that stinkin' little chimp gumshoe bastard and I have wanted to see him dead and in the ground for about as long as I can remember. If I had my hands around his scrawny neck right now....oh, wouldn't that be sweet!

But there's a problem here. We got a presidential election comin' up soon, right? In 2012. Can I stomach votin' for a Republican or a Democrat for president after what I've seen in this land for the last 30 or 40 years?

Hell, no! The Democrats always talk nice to get some primate votes, but when it comes to actually doin' anything to improve working conditions for apes and monkeys in this society and advancin' the Primate cause toward full equality with humans....they've done nothin'! Zip! Matter of fact, they've backslid. Obama has not appointed one single gorilla to his cabinet, no chimps, and no orangutans, not even a monkey! This after promisin' to build unity! Ha! Whatta buncha hypocritical crap! The Democrats are specists in sheep's clothing.

And the Republicans???????? Even worse! They make no secret of their open contempt and hatred for primates, accusin' us all of poopflinging and other disgusting practices like that! The famous Republican leader Ronald Reagan showed no respect for his costar Bonzo in "Bedtime for Bonzo", denying him equal billing despite the fact that Bonzo could act the pants off of Reagan anytime he wanted to. Reagan got paid big bucks. Bonzo got paid peanuts. That tells you what was really goin' on...they were just exploitin' Bonzo like he was some kind of slave and usin' him to perpetuate dumb stereotypes about apes. That movie was a travesty, a monument to specism...as was Reagan's whole presidency.

And it's gotten a lot worse since. The biggest betrayal was in the Bush years when Bush was claimed by a lot of people to "look like a chimp". Don't be fooled! That was a crass PR move to try and lure away some primate votes and get them to vote Republican...which is kinda like gettin' a Buffalo to vote for Buffalo Bill or a hooker to vote for Jack the Ripper! Unbelievable. Fortunately, most apes and monkeys saw right through that sorry little gambit. We know the truth. We know that Republicans consider us to be lower than the dirt beneath their feet, and they ain't even ashamed of it...unlike the Democrats, who feel much the same way, but are a little ashamed of it nonetheless.

Anyways, no ape or monkey is ever gonna get help from either one of the Big Two Parties. Not a hope in hell. Sure, they'll give you a free banana to get your vote, the day after they're elected they won't even talk to you no more!

So that leaves only one real choice for primates in 2012. We gotta vote for Chongo. The APP (American Primate Party) is runnin' Chongo Chimp for president in 2012. Chongo IS an ape. He hates specism with a passion. He will fight for the rights of all apes and monkeys. He will challenge the human moronocracy and bring it crashing down! He will arrest the bankers. He will declare corporations NOT to be treated as legal individuals no more, and take on the CEOs. He has the guts and he ain't afraid. I know this, because I have dealt with Chongo across the sights of a gun. I got bullet scars I could show you. He may be a jerk, but he's a tough little jerk that don't back down. We need an ape like that in Washington, not a limp banana like Obama. We need an ape with teeth, fists, and a full clip of ammo at the ready 24 hours a day, and that's Chongo.

Therefore...in the interests of advancin' primate rights and savin' this land, I am puttin' my personal hatred for Chongo aside. I am steppin' up to the plate. I will work for the APP in 2012. I will shake the little bastard's hand and hold his hat. I will serve as one of his bodyguards. I will rip the lungs out of anyone who looks at him sideways. I will see that Chongo Chimp fights and wins the next election, because I care about the future of primates in America!

I got just one question for all youse out there:

WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?