A Ballad of the Good Lord Nelson
       by Lawrence Durrell


The Good Lord Nelson had a swollen gland,
Little of the scripture did he understand
Till a woman led him to the promised land
Aboard the Victory, Victory O.

Adam and Evil and a bushel of figs
Meant nothing to Nelson who was keeping pigs,
Till a woman showed him the various rigs
Aboard the Victory, Victory O.

His heart was softer than a new-laid egg,
Too poor for loving and ashamed to beg,
Till Nelson was taken by the Dancing Leg
Aboard the Victory, Victory O.

Now he up and did up his little tin trunk
And he took to the ocean on his English junk,
Turning like the hourglass in his lonely bunk
Aboard the Victory, Victory O.

The Frenchman saw him a-coming there
With the one-piece eye and the valentine hair,
With the safety-pin sleeve and the occupied air
Aboard the Victory, Victory O.

Now you all remember the message he sent
As an answer to Hamilton's discontent
There were questions asked about in the parliament
Aboard the Victory, Victory O.


Now the blacker the berry, the thicker the juice.
Think of Lord Nelson and avoid self-abuse,
For the empty sleeve was no mere excuse
Aboard the Victory, Victory O.

"England Expects" was the motto he gave
When he thought of little Emma out on Biscay's wave,
And he remembered working on her like a galley slave
Aboard the Victory, Victory O.

The first Great Lord in our English land
To honour the Freudian command,
For a cast in the bush is worth two in the hand
Aboard the Victory, Victory O.

Now the Frenchman shot him there as he stood
In the rage of battle in a silk-lined hood
And he heard the whistle of his own hot blood
Aboard the Victory, Victory O.

Now stiff on a pillar with a phallic air
Nelson stylites in Trafalgar Square
Reminds the British what once they were
Aboard the Victory, Victory O.

If they'd treat their women in the Nelson way
There'd be fewer frigid husbands ev'ry day
And many more heroes on the Bay of Biscay
Aboard the Victory, Victory O.