Mike was last heard of back in Yorkshire, "under the influence of everything drop-able" (to quote the man himself). Tetley's bitter has a lot to answer for - including

THE SAGA OF SUZY GRAPEVINE AND PUSHER JOE
Mike Absalom

Outside a rich apartment in a luxury hotel,
Suzy Grapevine hesitated, reaching for the bell.
"Before this night is over, there's a thing I must complete.
I know it's going to hurt me, but you know it hurts so sweet."
Benzedrine, you'll never win. You'll do me in, Benzedrine.

In his fifteenth-storey penthouse, Joe Bananas turned to see
Who was ringing at his bell at thirteen minutes past three.
"Is that Suzy Grapevine? Tell me, what you mean?
Have you come to beg, or come to buy my Benzedrine?"
Benzedrine, you'll never win. You'll do me in, Benzedrine.

"Well, I need some, Joe," said Suzy, "but I haven't any bread."
Joe said, "Then you need some like a hole right through your head.
You've used up all your chances, Suzy, all that you will get.
When Suzy Grape is sober, now they call her Grape Suzette."
Benzedrine, you'll never win. You'll do me in, Benzedrine.

"In that case, Joe..." said Suzy, her handbag open wide.
She pulled out a black revolver and she shot him in the side.
She shot him in the stomach. She shot him in the head,
And she pushed him out the window to make sure that he was dead.
Benzedrine, you'll never win. You'll do me in, Benzedrine.

Constable Maclagan, renowned for taking bribes,
Was beating up a student as the police code prescribes.
Down behind the apartment he heard an awful crash.
He didn't wait to finish. He was off there like a flash.
Benzedrine, you'll never win. You'll do me in, Benzedrine.

"Well I smell fuzz," said Suzy. "That's just what I need.
But I shall make my getaway, 'cause all I need is speed."
She jumped out of the window. Escape was in her head,
But as she passed the thirteenth floor, this is what she said:
"Benzedrine, you'll never win. You'll do me in, Benzedrine."

Down she went, bouncing off the window ledges, and the little concrete gargoyles put there by the Notting Hill Housing Trust.
Down, down, down, down, down,
Suzy Grapevine was going down for the first time in her life.

Splat!

Listen to me, people. You've all got time to spend.
This story has no moral. It just has an end.
Kill yourselves with Benzedrine, with bullets, or with scotch,
But tell me when you do it so that I can come and watch.
Benzedrine, you'll never win. You'll do me in, Benzedrine.

HTML line breaks added. --JoeClone, 29-Jul-02.