My name is Max, I am the founder and publisher of mudcat.org and I am an alcoholic.

I took my last drink nearly 4 years ago. I am unashamed to admit it, or anything else for that matter, a clear, easy, unavoidable and undeniable necessity AND side effect of only what I can rationalize today as a miracle.

mudcat.org will be visited by about 3 million different people this year, from over 200 different countries. Maybe I'll not get a job offer because of this post, or miss out on a date with a nice lady or two. Or maybe I'll be embarrassed or made fun of, having tainted my reputation (I know, funny I know). Or maybe someone will read it and make a decision, or maybe not be so down on themselves, feel less alone... and maybe someone will get well. I'm not seeing a downside.

Alcoholism runs through both my mother's and father's side of the family, which genetic science now explains gave my parent's children, my brother and I, a 50/50 chance of also suffering from this insidious disease. My brother is fine and healthy and has had no troubles with addiction. I am content with the draw, I made it out alive. As anyone knows who has suffered, whether it be oneself or someone they love, it is a battle sadly more often lost than won. I take pride from my victory, and it, in and of itself, makes all the consequences, wounds, scars, calluses, embarrassment and cynicism that the 20 years of fighting tattooed on my face, well worth the ante and getting to keep my seat at the table.

How did I do it? I used every fucking trick in the book. Threw absolutely everything at it. The whole arsenal. Spared no expense of money, time, energy, selflessness, selfishness, shame, fear, asking for help, support, love, tenacity, introspection, anonymous secret clubs, religions, nutrition, psychotherapy, exercise, psychoactive... uhm... things, education, experimentation, humility, out-of-my-comfort-zone-wandering, charity, brute force, 3 of 4 cardinal virtues, 6 of 7 cardinal sins, and a whole lot of whimsy. It took a lot... and I'd pay double for what I have today.

I, or any other member of my extended family, had no positive roll model for sobriety when I began my journey down and back. Chances are, this will not be the last time my family will have to deal with this issue. But now we have an awareness, a lexicon, a course of action, a network of resources, and a giant pile of love and understanding in reserve for the next poor soul who suffers. I accept the position of roll model, for 1000 lifetimes if I could, in gratitude for my miracle of clarity, health and love.

Anyone who suffers out there, call me 610-517-8858 (how to call USA), or email me max@mudcat.org day or night if you need someone to listen to you, make the investment to understand you, help you, accompany you to Wellville. I will spend my last dollar to travel to the corners of world to fight the thousand grizzly bears you probably pissed off, hold your hand until you get you where you need to be, all while holding my head high not pausing, blinking or stuttering when I call you my friend. It's worth it, by God it's worth it.

It need not define you, I am living proof that it can be set down and be done with. I am many many things. I am a rabble-rouser, raconteur, publisher, professional nerd, musician, philosopher, academic, snappy dresser, handsome-son-of-a-bitch, Father, Son, Brother, Uncle, friend, every now and again even a lover... and an alcoholic. Explaining me as any one of those things is like explaining a folk song with one version of one verse. I am just folk, and so are you.

Let me be judged not by how many times or how deeply I fell, but how high I bounced. For I am a magnificent mother fucking superball.