I posted this on "thesession.org" 4 years ago. Not one for the kiddies Christmas party, and you need a good understanding of Scots, but great fun when it was performed by its' author, the late John Watt, of Fife.

It tells the tale of a Christmas party in Fife where they turkey          [Jocky] wasn't stuffed with your sage and onion stuffing - it was stuffed with hashish !!! Here's what happened :-


"JOCKY'S INCREDIBLE FLIGHT" - by John Watt

Did you hear o' oor Christmas Party ?
It was planned with precision and zeal,
And oor cordon bleu chef, young Artie,
Had prepared a fantastic meal.

There wis LSD soup on the table,
And twa reams o' Instant Smash.
A choice o' six veg for those able,
And oor turkey wis stuffed fu' o' hash !

Paper hats were for those who attended.
My, whit a rare nicht,
And oor broken gas meter wis mended.
A' wis bathed in a bricht, cheerfu' licht.

'Twas a nicht for joyous confusion.
There wis a' that a body could need,
While the crackers lay roond in profusion
Stuffed wi' "bennies", conundrums, and "speed".

We were jist aboot intae the turkey,
Oor glesses were cherged wi VP
When oot o' the nicht dark and murky
Came a howl – jist like a banshee.

"Hey, boys, " shouted Santa – "the fuzz !"
And he snecked oot his joint on the chair
While Davy, wha's heid wis a' buzzed
Kicked the "bennies" under the stair.

Oh, my, we were a' in a state.
This had realised the worst o' oor fears
While Jocky lay their on the plate
Reekin', like a nicht in the toon o' Algiers

"Open up in the name o' the law !
We'll pit an end tae yer tear"
And a great big alsatian wi' slaverin' jaws
Came rocketin ower the flair.

We jist stood there resigned tae wir fate,
Condemned by that grass-laden burd,
For tae hide it wis noo far too late.
The polis wid hae the last word.

Well, they searched us, and went through wir things.
They were laughin' 'cause they knew we were feart
Then they turned us aroond and - jings !
Oor turkey had clean disappeared !

Had oor grass-laden burd ta'en flight ?
We jist stood there and rubbed at oor een.
Wis it winging it's way through the night,
Bound for Paisley, or cauld Aiberdeen ?

A' that wis left wis a smashed pane o' glass,
And a wee bit o' skin on the sill
O' oor burd that wis stuffed fu' o hash
That wis winging it's way ower the hill.

The Inspector went clean aff his skull !
"We ken you've got drugs hidden here.
We've followed you boys fae Elgin tae Mull.
Sergeant Williamson – pit doon that beer !"

Well, the polis deperted gey seek,
And the alsatian, it sterted tae greet,
For they knew pretty well that come next week,
They'd a' be back poundin' the beat.

And that's how oor miracle happened
At Christmas, one bright starry night.
And it's often we think in oor cosy wee hame
O' Jocky's Incredible Flight !


John Watt - RIP