I've been following the thread and shaking my head, thinking, "Why did she put up with that for all that time?" till it suddenly occurred to me that I had been going through the same thing.
I loved my life partner very much, and couldn't, or wouldn't see the kind of person that she was. Abuse takes a lot of different forms, and even things that seem kind and loving can be used to manipulate and control you. So even when the rage seemed to have disappeared, it's being used to manage you and to direct your life.
The thing is, we are the last ones to recognize it, and we often think that we've escaped from it, when we are really still in it's clutches. Bert's on that really hit home for me.
You already know that it's a long and painful journey back, and maybe there is no "back". Not sure that I can add to the advice that's here already.
One thing, though, and that is that the abuse and control are intended to isolate you from others, and the reason for that is simply that you can draw strength from friends and acquaintances--and you don't even have to show your pain, just visiting, chatting, maybe singing or playing a few tunes--seemingly inconsequential things can give you great healing--