GOOD NEWS, EVERYBODY
(c) 1998, Lou & Peter Berryman

I doubt I really got it right, 'Cause it was pretty late at night,
But on the news I could'a sworn I heard them say
All the armies of the nations of the world went on vacation,
After throwing all their bombs & guns away.
    Although it is a mystery, Now's the only time in history,
    That there's not a single war upon the Earth.
    It appears they made a study, that the battlefields were muddy,
    And the laundry bill was more than it was worth.

All the CEO's agreed that they are paid too much indeed,
And gave their salaries to the poor to pay the rent.
Now with everybody fed, and in a warm and comfy bed,
They find that crime is down by 95%.
    Now that crime is so diminished, all the jails that aren't finished,
    They're converting into restaurants & shops.
    It seems that everyone's all right, except that every Friday night,
    There is a benefit for prison guards & cops.

They have some to the conclusion that a certain kind of fusion
Can occur within fermented pomme puree.
Soon the tankers won't be needed, when the countryside is heated
By a case of grandma's Autumn '93.
    As a side-effect, they're finding that tornados are unwinding,
    Into blankets that are software than velour.
    Which are floating up and mending where the ozone hole was rending,
    Thusly rendering the warnings premature.

In the news the Legislature kicked its homophobic nature,
And will now allow a marriage if you're gay.
Also Congress has decided that our coverage be provided,
And declared we're all insured as of today.
    If that doesn't all surprise you, We are happy to advise you
    There's a proclamation here that probably will:
    "Unimpeded procreation leads to overpopulation"
    Says the Pope in his reversal of the Pill.

            (BRIDGE:)
            We'll continue after this from Exxon,
            Giving solar panels out for free.
            And a proclamation from Monsanto,
            "All-organic farming is they key!"

In our feature we're announcing, Exercising causes bouncing,
And that bouncing causes damage to the brain.
And a daily glass of brandy, and a box of chocolate candy
Is the regimen they found you should maintain.
    Also television viewing is deceptively renewing,
    And diminishes the chances of a stroke.
    Plus a crabby disposition helps your physical condition,
    And is even more effective if you smoke!