I hear my name being spoken in hushed tones! Yes, I wrote the Set Dancers Complaint back in 2001. I started writing it during the Fleadh Cheoil in Listowel that year. It was published in Set Dancing News at the time. Indeed, I did spend approx. two years attempting to learn Set Dancing in Bray, Co. Wicklow. My instructor was Angela Bernard....god help the poor woman!

Anyway, here's the words of the song, sung to the air of Bold Thady Quil. Apparently, the 'Thady' in question was hardly able to sew two pieces of leather together, and was satirised by a local ballad maker. Given that I couldn't dance a few steps despite all my trying....(very trying according to some set dancers), I considered the air most appropriate!

THE SET DANCERS` COMPLAINT ( air: Bould Thady Quill )

Ye fair maids of Erin, with a fondness for dancing,
a word of warning I now give to ye,
avoid the advances at any set-ceilí
of dark-eyed strangers in your company,
And ne`er raise your left hand one inch o`er your shoulder
if lost for a partner upon the dance floor   
for the fool who comes charging, his wild eyes a-blazing
should never have ever been let through the door.

Chorus

For slides and for polkas, steps in jig or reeltime,
and those blasted hornpipes, the hardest of all,
in all my time trying, there`s no point in denying
my feet are not flying when the sets they are called.


In the neat town of Bray, in the fair County Wicklow,
near the banks of the Dargle, I chanced for to stray,
for there a good woman, she holds her dance classes,
all through the long winter, till the last days of May,
Oh, pity the poor créatúr, for I have her heart scalded,
no fist can I make of those steps, none at all,
though the brain is fine-tuned, the message short-circuits,
be times never reaching my poor feet at all.

chorus
   For slides......................

It`s a long way to West Clare, to Milltown and Quilty,
There, I endeavoured to take a chance,
at Scoil Samhraidh Willy Clancy, I enrolled in the classes
with the help of some experts, I would learn to dance,
a full week I spent there `midst trials and tribulations,
blood sweat and tears did I shed in my cause,
but in spite of their efforts and six days of coaching,
My two feet as yet obey their own laws.

chorus
   For slides....................


A Belfast man told me he could cure my problems,
he keeps a neat workshop, the site of his toil,
in these days of ceasefires and military cessations,
his well-honed talents are underemployed,
Says he, "my method`s flawless, two loaded revolvers,
will have you stepping with skill and with flair,
And if not the alternative is most alarming,
six months spent on crutches or in a wheelchair .

chorus
    For slides....................

Well, I`ve met some odd folk, and I`ve met some strange folk,
and we've all met some folk, who`re not nice at all
It was my own luck of a wild winter`s evening
to meet Cinderella`s sister, when I went to the ball.
for I partnered this woman, an Amazonian virago,
with the temper of a Rothweiller, locked up in the pound,
for she snarled and she growled and she bared her white fangs,
and if she used them to bite, well, I didn`t stay`round .

chorus
      For slides ..............


Now in brief conclusion, it is no illusion,
I fear this set dancing may be not for me,
it might suit me better to go mountain climbing,
potholing, or diving in the deep sea,
pony-trekking, hand-gliding or orienteering,
windsurfing, coarse fishing or hunting the wren,   
Ara' God blast ye all for reviving set dancing,
it certainly dosen`t suit this gentleman.

chorus
    For slides.................


©    Pat "the Verse" Burke 2001