"In a family argument, if it turns out you are right -- apologize at once!"

"An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications."

"Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well."

"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss."

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things"

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization"

"A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt"

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose"

"I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions."

"I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it"

"If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?"

"The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election"

"The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept".

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac"

"Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist"

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

"The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music"

"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit"

""I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?"

"People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think"

"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth"

"In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing"

"When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands"

"The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out"

OK..enough...

GfS