Just to put all the lyrics together. (I made some minor changes.) I'm sure the line "They wiped the floor with the two rubber men" isn't quite correct, but I didn't figure it out.
Oh way, way back when times were free
We all headed off on a little spree
And we ended up in the Netherlands
Waving shiny new passports in our hands
At Schiphol airport they wished us luck
Meself, young Dinny O'Dwyer and The Scut
And we took the train to our destination
Amsterdam Central Station
Begob! there's a Flying Dutchman
You're goin' to see some hairy sights in Amsterdam.
So we stood outside of the central station
Here we are now the guests of the nation
This is where they make real gin
You're welcome to the city of sin
I says what are we doin' standin' here
Let's go and try the local beer
So we headed off in a hurry
Down to Freddie Heineken's brewery
Free beer for every man
We got pissed out of our brains in Amsterdam.
So then went lookin' for a place to stay
Down by a canal we made our way
When she stepped out of the night
She gave meself and the lads one hell of a fright
She said Jane Bondage is me name
and if you like you can play me game
I can tie you up and I can tie you down
Or I can whip you all around this town
Says she I'd love an Irish man
Oh there were some rough women in the city of Amsterdam
Well we thought we might as well have a go
Sure we're on holiday and who the hell would know?
It's only an auld beatin', we knew the score
As we'd all been handcuffed before, (Gerry ad libs "by the police I'll have ye know")
But this was different altogether
Because Jane was togged up all in leather
And she bet us with this bamboo cane
Until we couldn't stand the pain
She was a rough madam
The roughest on the (w)hole in Amsterdam.
Well we took our punishment like real men
And Jane she hit us again and again
She had stripped down to a leather chamois
O'Dwyer was screamin' for his mammy
She tore into meself and The Scut
We were bruised and we were badly cut
Poor Dinny was lyin' by the door
He said he couldn't take no more
So we grabbed our clothes and we ran
Wham bam thank you Ma'am, in Amsterdam
So we ran into a little café
For a cup of black coffee wouldn't go astray
And we ordered up a tray of buns
A black forest gateau and a dozen scones
Well I declare upon my soul
We were in the horrors we'd lost control
Whatever it was it was worse than the beer
So I asked your man is the food here sorta queer
He said they're hash cakes, God damn
We were stoned out of our brains in Amsterdam
So next we went for a little window shoppin'
Down the red light district and our eyes were poppin'
When smack in the middle of our little tour
Out of this doorway came this - sleazy little so-n-so'
He said hey Paddy you just step in here
There's lots of ladies and there's loads of beer
So we took his word and we all crawled in
To a club that was called The Original Sin
Oh, there's hardly a stitch on your one
God between us and all harm in Amsterdam.
So we sat there lowerin' the grog
Trying hard not to look like four men from the bog
When this swanky bit of stuff sat on Dinny's knee
She'd a voice that was deeper than a Seanachaí
Well this lovely bit of stuff she whispered in me ear
Do you come here often, will you buy me a beer?
The Scut was out dancin' on the floor
With this sexy little number from Singapore
Says O'Dwyer that's no woman it's a man
We were all in a state of shock in Amsterdam.
So I turned to the "quare wan" sittin' next to me
I said now love tell me are you a he or a she
Or are you a lady of the night?
Not at all says your wan I'm a transvestite
So I up and I gave him the Kildare man's salute
I rapped him gently with my hobnail boots
Right up between the legs
Nearly drove the boot through the poor fella's head.
Sayin' take that my good man,
Oh the women are worse than the men in Amsterdam
So we all regrouped on the dance floor
For we knew we'd have to run the gauntlet to the door
When this lanky fellow took such a kick from O'Dwyer
Now he's singin' boy soprano in the local choir
Then The Scut pulls his false teeth out
And he gave this male stripper a woeful clout
But this big fella in drag he grabbed The Scut
But The Scut decked yer man with a huge head butt
He said take that my good man
There was confusion everywhere in Amsterdam.
But then poor Dinny got attacked from the rear
By this bit of stuff wearin' kinky gear
There were boots and belts and bull whips crackin'
Poor Dinny was takin' one hell of a whackin'
Yer one she was going in for the kill
But our Dinny showed his true skill
He grabbed yer woman by the g-string
Gave it half a dozen twists till her ears did ring
Oh she'll hardly ride a bicycle again
It brought tears to her eyes that night in Amsterdam
Well then out of nowhere they appeared
All dressed in rubber, and it was weird
They wore rubber suits and rubber flippers
Rubber masks tied up with zippers
They made a run for O'Dwyer and The Scut
But The Scut was fast he grabbed yer man by the nuts
He was swingin' the rubber man around the floor
O'Dwyer did the same to the other dirty so-n-so.
They wiped the floor with the two rubber men
They were weak in the knees that night in Amsterdam.
Well we finally battled our way out to the street
We looked kinda rough, but we were still on our feet
Then Dinny called for the money back
I tell you now boys that was the craic
We could hear the sirens gettin' near
So we said we'd better leg it out of there
And we disappeared into the night
Pursued by a gang of hermaphrodites
Made our escape on the number seven tram
Oh we won the day that night in Amsterdam
We got into a little fight in Amsterdam
We were pursued by men wearin' tights in Amsterdam
We gave them all a fright in Amsterdam