To the tune of "The Sailors Alphabet", Verses: Mike Boydon, chorus: Lynn Wise.
The Oldsters (Oldies) Alphabet
A's for arthritis, B's the bad back
C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac
D is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line
CHORUS: Merrily, merrily, so merry go we
Zimmer Frames and rollators they make our way fre
Dementia, infirmity, what e'er comes along
Give us oldsters (oldies)our tablets and nothing goes wrong!
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention
H is high blood pressure, I'd rather it low
I for incisions with scars you can show
J is for joints out of socket, won't mend
K is for knees that crack when they bend
L is libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget! What comes next?
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new.
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears
T for tinnitus, there's bells in my ears
U is for urinary, big troubles with flow
V is for vertigo, that's 'dizzy' you know
W is for worry, NOW what's going round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found
Y is another year I'm left here behind
Z is for zest that I still have - in my mind
Z is also for zonked, how I feel all the time
So now I have brought all the letters in rhyme
I've survived all the symptoms my body's deployed
And I've kept twenty-six doctors fully employed
May your troubles be less, your bleesings be more
And nothing but happiness come through your door.
Mike Boydon is in his mid-eighties so I assume he's written this from experience! Mike calls it 'Oldsters Alphabet', but 'Oldies' is a bit easier to sing.