Can't believe this song isn't in here already!


A WORD ON MY EAR

(introduction/opening)

[The soprano is concluding an encore before her audience. She sings.]

A prisoner to rapture by arduous duty pressed
A slave to the longing that lingers in my breast
Farewell! my friends, adieu,
I cannot stay with you.
Farewell ... farewell ... farewell ...

[The applause fades, while the soprano addresses her introduction to the listener.]

Before I deliver my seventh encore,
There's something I'd like to make clear.
They say I brought pleasure to millions or more,
They say that my singing half won the last War
When I sang to the troops in the rear:
I'm lauded! Applauded! Recorded! ... but, hist!
I've a musical flaw that they seem to have missed   ...

[At this point, the soprano is to segue from her introduction to
the song's chorus. But she cannot,
because she has lost the pitch,
and so the pianist, hammering a single key on the keyboard,
forces her to sing the correct note.
Thus corrected, she continues, accompanied by piano and orchestra.]

I'm Tone Deaf!
Music means nothing to me,
It's only the way my accompanists play
That makes it appear I'm in key.
Stone Tone Deaf!
Can't tell a Key from a Clef.
I stand by the pianist watching his face
For he's told me to start when it comes to the place
Where he'll give me a whacking great
***!! [pianist slams his hand on the lowest notes on the keyboard]
in the Bass!
Because I'm Tone Deaf [soprano wanders off-key again...]

I'm Tone Deaf!
Never could understand 'pitch',
Some people, you know,
Can sing 'So - La - Ti - Do'
And claim they can tell which is which!
Stone Tone Deaf,
Can't tell a B from and F.
Sir Thomas [Beecham, eminent orchestral conductor]
once said: 'Now, I don't want to carp,
But if that's a B-Natural played on the harp,
Then you're either B-Flat, dear, or ruddy B-Sharp!'
But then I'm Tone Deaf [you can guess what happens. Again.]

final chorus:
I'm Tone Deaf!
But, in most modern works for the voice,
[the melodic line zig-zags about like crazy]
The note that I hit doesn't matter a bit
So it's purley a personal choice.
Stone Tone Deaf,
Musically D-E-A-F !
Perhaps Covent Garden can do without me,
But while I command an exorbitant fee
I'll always get work from the dear BBC
[The pianist, trying to keep the soprano on pitch,
plays the BBC signature tune ... and again ... ]
Well, I'm Tone Deaf.
[at the top of the soprano's voice]
Yes, I'm Tone DEAF!!

words by Michael Flanders
music by Donald Swann
© The Estate of Michael Flanders

recording appears on "Hat-Trick", collection of compact-discs from EMI,
sung by Rose Hill with Donald Swann leading from the piano