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(DON'T PUT YOUR DAUGHTER ON THE STAGE) MRS. WORTHINGTON
Words and music by Noel Coward
As recorded by Noel Coward (1935); also on “Vintage British Comedy, Vol. 2” (2011)

Don’t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington.
Don’t put your daughter on the stage.
The profession is overcrowded and the struggle’s pretty tough,
And admitting the fact
She’s burning to act,
That isn’t quite enough.
She has nice hands, to give the wretched girl her due,
But don’t you think her bust is too
Developed for her age?
I repeat, Mrs. Worthington,
Sweet Mrs. Worthington,
Don’t put your daughter on the stage.

Regarding yours, dear Mrs. Worthington, of Wednesday, the 23rd:
Although your baby may be keen on a stage career,
How can I make it clear
This is not a good idea?
For her to hope, dear Mrs. Worthington, is on the face of it absurd
Her personality
Is not in reality
Exciting enough,
Inviting enough,
For this particular sphere.

Don’t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington.
Don’t put your daughter on the stage.
She’s a bit of an ugly duckling, you must honestly confess,
And the width of her seat
Would surely defeat
Her chances of success.
It’s a loud voice, and though it’s not exactly flat,
She’ll need a little more than that
To earn a living wage.
On my knees, Mrs. Worthington,
Please, Mrs. Worthington,
Don’t put your daughter on the stage.

Don’t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington.
Don’t put your daughter on the stage.
Though they said at the school of acting she was lovely as Peer Gynt,
I’m afraid, on the whole,
An ingenue role
Would emphasize her squint.
She’s a big girl and though her teeth are fairly good,
She’s not the type I ever would
Be eager to engage.
No more buts, Mrs. Worthington.
Nuts, Mrs. Worthington!
Don’t put your daughter on the stage.