Remember to Change your Underpants

(done in Johnny Cash type voice)

Johnny was born in a tumbledown shack
Near a landfill site by the old railtrack,
There were 16 kids slept in one fleapit bed,
Outside toilet thirty miles way,
Life was a struggle every day,
They were fighting over a mean ole crust of bread.

Now daddy got wild and daddy got drunk
Daddy watched “Big Brother” and daddy did a bunk,
Mama was left a holding them sixteen brats,
But 15 of them kids went to that home in the sky,
Cos of eating mama’s home-made roadkill pie,
Leaving just Johnny and his mama and one old mangy cat
(even the goat died of food poisoning!)

Now Johnny grew up, his mama’s pride and joy,
She said “son, you’re gonna go to college, my boy”,
Packed up his suitcase and went to say “goodbye”
And said, “son, you’re gonna be a big success
Gonna come back and make your ole ma a millionairess”
Johnny thought he saw a little bitty tear in his mama’s eye…

She said “now you’re a man, my son,
I can’t be there to wipe your nose,
You gotta survive in that big wide wicked world
You never know how that world will throw of the dice,
So I’m gonna give you some sound advice
And Johnny never forgot his mama’s words…

Chorus: Remember to change your underpants
In case you have an accident
And those people in the ambulance
What will they think of me?
And you wont get through those pearly gates
With your crusties in a two and eight,
So always put on a clean pair every day.

Well he grew up wild and he grew up mean,
But he always kept that gusset clean,
Though his teeth went yellow and his hair grew long and greasy as hell,
He said “Ma, I’m gonna take meejah studies”,
And “tell me where the nearest pub is”
Moved into grubby bedsit and after a month you could practically see the smell.

You’d think lying in that cesspit all day,
His pants would have got up and walked away,
But his mama’s words could penetrate through that grime,
And at the merest hint of sweat,
Johnny was off down the local launderette,
And be back in the saddle ready for pub opening time

There were wild,wild women and booze and fags,
And certain substances and certain mags,
He only went to 5 lectures in three years,
And all among the empty cans, the heavy metal and the smoke,
And the final demands and the bogeys and the stale farts and the dope,
His mama’s words still echoed in his ears.

Chorus : Remember to change your underpants...

No one knows if Johnny’s alive or dead,
He was last seen with a traffic cone on his head,
Probably came out with a third class honours degree,
Don’t know if he ever got back ,
To his mama and that ole run down shack,
But if he did you can be sure his pants were clean.

Well, Johnny must have made out OK I guess,
Probably selling life insurance way out west,
With a wife and kids and a mortgage I hope he made out alright,
But if he’s dead I’d like to think,
That Zanussi didn’t make his y-fronts shrink,
And went to heaven without a skidmark in sight.

So remember to change your underpants