You can hear this recording at the Internet Archive.


I NEVER HARMED AN ONION
(Words and music by "Lanny and Ginger" Grey & Moe Jaffe)
As recorded by Steve Allen and His Orchestra (Coral 61573, 1956).

I'll admit I've split bananas,
Took Easter eggs and made them dye,
But I never harmed an onion,
So why should they make me cry?

I turn up my nose at turnips;
Don't care at all for carrot pie,
But I never harmed an onion,
So why should they make me cry?

[§] Potatoes I've mashed and berries I've crushed.
I've made an artichoke, and that's not all.
I've also whipped cream and beaten an egg,
And, yes, I've even made a melon ball.

Of all the things above, I'm guilty.
If punished, I would know just why,
But I never harmed an onion,
So why should they make me cry? [§§]

Now, I've cut off a head of cabbage (yes, I have)
And squeezed watercress until it's dry,
But I never harmed an onion,
So why should they make me cry?

Once I saw a salad dressing.
My face got radish—my, oh, my!—
But I never harmed an onion,
So why should they make me cry?

REPEAT § TO §§.


[The sheet music for this song is held by Indiana University, but it is not viewable online. However, the catalog entry reveals that there is a missing verse that begins: "I used to be so cheerful now all I do is cry. So if my eyes are…."]