I have to say I hadn’t come across these parodies before, so my 2018 treatise on home improvements wasn’t as original as I had previously imagined.

THE CONSTANT TROUBLE

Come all ye tradesmen, whatever distance,
Many a tile’s come off of my roof;
Come and assist me repair my fixtures,
Even the guttering’s now come loose.
And my street drain’s blocked completely,
All the house now really whiffs;
Once our house was all together,
Now I love not where I live.

Our main power’s down, I know not why now,
Could be that wiring I renewed;
My best I’ve tried though at DIY now,
Ensured reef knots are only used.
First the Hoover, then Zanussi
Burst in flames before fuse tripped,
Reduced our kettle to molten metal,
So I love not where I live.

They won’t insure us since the stove explosion,
I took up plumbing to save on costs;
With boiler broken the pipes got frozen,
Our only water as the fridge defrosts.
When pipes thawed out the water poured out,
My painted stop tap failed to twist;
Our water meter then overheated,
So I love not where I live.

I tried the mains valve with wrench and crowbar,
The nut’s now smooth as the dome of St Paul’s,
Beneath our home there’s a gaping void there,
Caused by our own Niagra Falls.
Where it flooded lounge and study,
Our floorboards are wont to give,
Round walls we belay on ropes in relay,
So I love not where I live.

My track record’s one long disaster,
It all started when putting up shelves;
In Nextdoor’s larder I dislodged the plaster,
Why can’t machines behave themselves?
First the strimmer, then hedge trimmer,
Like our Polo, refused to shift;
Whilst it lingers down the sinkhole,
So I love not where I live.

I’d seek advice, but it’s not that easy,
Communications are far from fine;
Can’t use the keyboard on our dusty PC,
I cleaned the keys with turpentine.
Our chimney fire sent phones haywire,
Left our landline fully stripped;
Now we pick up broadcasts as each plane roars passed,
So I love not where I live.

My home life’s not quite as I fancied,
I’ve not eaten these last weeks;
Meat in the Samsung’s all gone rancid,
No garden veg since the oil tank leaked.
The Wife’s left home now and the dog’s gone roaming,
Now there’s Winter’s icy grip;
I’m left alone here to catch pneumonia,
And I love not where I live.