THE RULES OF ENGLISH © Bruce Watson. Bruce Watson Music video - The Rules of English bandcamp This offering is based on the late William Safire’s Rules for Writers, extrapolated and set to music. Now when I was a boy one was taught English grammar These days standards have gone down the drain We had it banged into us, with an unsubtle hammer And it’s firmly lodged into my brain There’s a million mistakes that you see people make Now and then there’s an absolute whopper So here’s a few tips to avoid future slips To help you all speak and write proper: Chorus: Be sure to never split an infinitive Don’t use no double negatives And never generalise, that’s a rule you see everyone break! Be clear as a bell, profread everythnig well Be more or less specific, don’t be vague And (last but not least) avoid clichés like the plague! It’s incumbent upon us to eschew obfuscation And where feasible to employ the vernacular Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice And understatement is absolutely spectacular Use language that’s inclusive of all men And here’s something else you should know The use of foreign words is just not de rigeur Nor is it apropos Chorus Always avoid awkward annoying Unattractive affected alliteration Avoidification of George Bushian neologisms Will strengthenify your prosification If you see a mixed metaphor take the bull by the horns And knock it right off of its perch And vary your words variously So that you use various words Chorus Exaggeration is a trillion zillion times worse Than just stating the plain simple facts And use words correctly, irregardless of what others do To show you’ve got the language knack The passive voice should always be avoided Heed should be taken of that suggestion And what I now ask of all of you is: “Who needs rhetorical questions?”
|