What a Mouth written by R P Weston
Performed by Harry Champion

Jimmy Banks would be a handsome feller
If he had another face and a different smeller
But his mouth queers him from winning in a beauty show
For it looks just like a steam-boat funnel
Or a railway arch, or the Blackwall Tunnel
And you can't see Jim when he opens it wide, you know
And when poor Jim goes walking about
You can hear kids all hollering out

What a mouth! What a mouth! What a North and South
Ker-i-key! What a mouth he's got
When he was a youngster, Oh Lord Lovell
Why, his poor old Mother used to feed him with a shovel
What a gap! Poor chap! He's never been known to laugh
For if he did, it's a penny to a quid
That his face'd fall in half.

Though his great big mouth it ain't all honey
He can whisper in his own ear, ain't it funny?
But to lay the dust he has to drink a lot, oh my
And he got so tight one foggy morning
That he laid down flat in the roadway yawning
As a poor old man was delivering coals near by
And as he went to shift the load
He saw Jim's mouth out in the road.

What a mouth! What a mouth! What a North and South
Ker-i-key! What a mouth he's got
The coalman, an old short-sighted feller
Saw his mouth wide open, and took it for the cellar
And he shot the lot right into his mouth, no joke
For Jim, poor soul, ‘s got a tummy full of coal
And he coughs up lumps of coke!

In the tap room of the Rose and Thistle
Jimmy often has a try to wet his whistle
But he can't succeed until he's had a hundred ‘pots'
First a hundred pots of beer he'll swallow
Then as all his teeth at the back are hollow
He can still find room for a dozen or so ‘rum hots'
A new barmaid came there one night
She saw Jim's face and yelled with fright.

What a mouth! What a mouth! What a North and South
Ker-i-key! What a mouth he's got
He opened it wide and the barmaid hollered
For a pewter pot he had accidentally swallowed
It was hot, that pot, soon melted and now he sits
Down by the fire with a little bit of wire
And he hooks up two bob bits.

Jimmy's wife had such a lovely baby
With a mouth as big as Jim's, or larger, may be
And I shan't forget the morning that he cut one tooth
When the poor young ma heard the baby blubber
For a nice hard teat that was made of rubber
She at once took him to the chemist, and, it's the truth
They could not get inside the door
Till they shut the baby's mouth, oh lor.

What a mouth! What a mouth! What a North and South
Ker-i-key! What a mouth he's got
'As baby's ateething' said his mummy
'Will you please, sir, let me have a penny rubber dummy?'
Said the cove 'Bai Jove' as he sucked a big jujube
'There's no rubber teat for a penny that'll fit
He wants a twopenny tube.'

Jimmy Banks in bed one night was snoring
And the neighbours round about thought a lion was roaring
Then the old Dutch clock, that was hanging on the bedroom wall
From the nail fell into his big mouth wallop
Jim woke, and yelled, 'Go for Doctor Jalap.'
Said his wife, 'No fear! You have swallowed the clock, that's all'
And now the people, isn't it fine
Look down his throat to see the time.

What a mouth! What a mouth! What a North and South
Ker-i-key! What a mouth he's got
The works of the old Dutch clock keep whizzing
In his rum-tum-tummy like a lot of sherbet fizzing
And his wife, what strife, can't sleep of a night, that's right
Cause against his tum she can hear the pendulum
Going tock-tock-tick all night.