WASTE NOT, WANT NOT
( Featuring Albert Ramsbottom )
by
Les Barker


There's a famous seaside town called Blackpool,
That's noted for fresh-air and fun.
And Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom,
Went there with Albert, their son.

With Albert... and some trepidation,
They made their way up to the zoo.
And went to the 'ead keeper, sayin',
'Can you find Albert summat to do?

D'ya think 'e could muck out the elephants?
Or remove a sharp thorn from a paw?
'Ow about feedin' the lions?
'E can do that... 'e's done it before!'

'Right!... 'e can feed the animals,
And Albert, as thou's a beginner.
You can start off feedin' fodder t' finches,
Feed 'em this fodder for dinner.'

So of toddled Albert with fodder,
But 'Orrors'... when young lad got there.
Every last finch 'ad expired,
On the floor with their feet in the air!

Albert rushed back to the keeper,
And he told 'im 'is tale of woe.
'Feed them to lion' said keeper,
'Waste not - want not, y'know!'

And when tha's done that, try monkeys,
Give 'em a box of these.
Pointing at a box of bananas,
Labelled, 'For Chimpanzes'

Young Albert picked up the bananas,
'E were plannin' a chimpanze feast.
But found every ape in the ape-house,
'Ad chimpanze diseases... deceaced!

Albert rushed back to the keeper,
And he told 'im 'is tale of woe.
'Feed them to lion' said keeper,
'Waste not - want not, y'know!'

And the go and see to the bees,
'Urry on down to the 'ive.
See that they swallow this pollen...
That is, if there's any alive!

By gum, 'twere a bundle bereavement,
What fatalities... two 'undred plus.
'Death, where is thy sting?... and vice versa,
Poor Albert, 'e missed the last bus.

Albert rushed back to the keeper,
And he told 'im 'is tale of woe.
'Feed them to lion' said keeper,
'Waste not - want not, y'know!

Mash the bees up in yon bucket,
Yon lion 'e aught t' be pleased.
It's a meal 'e don't get very often...
Finch, chimps and mushy bees!'



https://monologues.co.uk/Les_Barker/Waste_Not_Want_Not.htm