Joe Offer requested these lyrics be posted here

Desperate Dan by Mick Ryan and Pete Harris

There once was a man, and his name it was Dan
And a finer young man you’ve not seen
He worked hard each day in the labouring way
And for physical pleasures was keen

Each night from the pub, to his wife and his grub
He hurried propelled by his passion
And his wife, I might say, always gave him his way
For to please him ‘twas always heeeer fashion

Now very soon Dan was a family man
On account of his wife’s great bacundity
And whatever she did, she could not put a lid
On the cause of her constant roooootundity

So she turned to her pal, a young lady named Sal
For advice on subduing his ardour
For Sally, though wed, kept a virginal bed
And never had buns in heeer larder

Said Sally “The trick is to measure his ????
And charge him a pound for each inch
In the case of my Joe it’s eight pounds a go
From such inflation he’ll flinch

His teeth he may nash, but he’ll not touch his cash
Deterred by this tax on rigidity
To yourself you can keep, he’ll soon fall asleep
For the best contraceptive’s frigidity

Now Dan’s wife agreed with the greatest of speed
For to put Sally’s plan into action
And that night in bed, to her husband she said
You must pay by the inch and a fraction

“Ten pounds” cried out Dan, “What do you think I am
You’re crazy without any doubt”
But his wife undeterred, said she’d stick to her word
So he asked could he pay coming out

But old Dan had his pride so he lay on his side
And was rapidly falling asleep
While his wife on her back having quelled his attack
Tried her resolution to keep

But she thought for a while and began for to smile
Then called him her dear and her honey
But when Dan wouldn’t budge, she gave him a nudge
And said “Alright, I’ll lend you the money”

So, though men get the blame, we are all much the same
By the needs of the flesh we’re all driven
And it seems it’s a myth, that it’s Mr not Miss
Who to sexual passion iiiiis given

And though now and again, it’s the cock not the hen
Whose inclined for to make the first move
It is sometimes the case that the female does chase
And that is the glory oooooooof looooooooooove