A few one-line groaners from Tim Vine, who was asked what jokes he'd put inside Christmas crackers: I used to file my nails but then I thought, what’s the point in keeping them? The turkey challenged me to a fight. He threw down the giblet. My Christmas decorations are inflatable. I’m forever blowing baubles. I saw a coconut-flavoured biscuit playing football. It was Wayne Macarooney. You invented Tipp-Ex. Correct me if I’m wrong. I was going to write my will today but then I thought, life’s too short. I’ve got a horse called Treacle. He’s got golden stirrups. I went to a posh party where everyone was drinking and knitting. I got Pimm’s and needles.
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