Forgive the lateness of my reply. I've been busy.

My version, taken from the verses above. BUT ("and that is a BIG
smelly butt, too!") songs making light of chronic alcoholism and
people with anger management issues are a bit on the passe side...so
I gave it an alternate happy ending. Do with this what you will,
just remember little old Andy Alexis of Sacramento, California.


McTAVISH IS DEAD

McTavish and brother they lived right next door
They never agreed, they were always at war
Said one to the other, "The day when you die
I'll buy everybody a strawberry pie."

They live for the drink and the bars are a plenty
They drink like the fish til their pockets are empty
And when they pass out, it's always the same
And each of them say that the other’s to blame

They drank like a fish, they ate like a savage
Their favorite dish was corned beef and cabbage
They fought like a tiger, they kicked like a mule
And boy could they knock off a good game of pool.

One Saturday night the brothers McTavish
They went to a party both wild and savage
They each took a swing at Officer King
The next day they carried their heads in a sling.

McTavish was always good to his wife
He had to be so, or I pity his life
Although she was only half his size
She'd jump on a table and scratch out his eyes.

The bottles are empty, the smokes are but ashes
The stench of the liquor is all that has lasted
The sun will soon rise their heads are in pain
But they'll buy a new bottle and do it again.

One stormy night, they met in the hall
To settle their argument once and for all
Now one used a shovel and one used a rock
And both were in heaven at seven o'clock.

McTavish and brother they stood at the gates
Saint Peter himself deciding their fates
Says Pete to each brother look him in the eye
Now say that you’re sorry and you don’t have to die

McTavish and brother woke with their wives
Both of them happy to get on with their lives
They both saw a shrink and both of them dry
as a condition for both to continue their life

They managed their anger and played with their kids
Respected their wives and confessed what they did
Regretted their past and but looked straight ahead
And never again slept with someone that’s dead.