This was one of my favorite songs, but it was recorded on tape by a friend and I never knew who did it. It was acoustic guitar, single musician. I suspect it might have been Steve Goodman, but which album? I include all the lyrics below:

I came home last Saturday Night and
Whaddya think I found?
I went to open my kitchen door
And the door had been broke down

I walked into the livin' room
Whaddya think I seen
Four great big, old ugly dudes
Just sittin' there waitin' for me

I said "Gangsters, Burglars
Who the hell are you?"
You look like a bunch of mobsters
Or maybe monkeys from the zoo

If is wasn't for the cut of your crummy clothes
Which has me in some doubt
I'd think you was a bunch of Mafia thugs
Come here to rub me out.”

They said "Beatnik, prevert,
Don't talk that way to me,
We found your roommate with a stash of hash
A couple o' cubes of LSD,

There's a bottle of Miltowns on your dresser
And you're as good as dead
If ya' wanna keep your body all attached
Just keep a civil tongue in your head!"

It was Police, the Police!
By Christ, I shoulda seen
The Mafia men they ain't near as dumb
And nowhere half as mean

Well they threw me up against the wall
I said, "No please don't, stop!
If ya' hit me just about one more time
I swear I'm gonna call a cop!"

It was reefer, reefer, reefer
Hash and LSD,
"Tell us where you got 'em boy
And we promise to set you free.”

I said "Officer I don't know
What you're talkin' about,
Besides you're in such a rush!
I never set foot in this house before
Would ya' like to buy a Fuller brush?"

So hipsters and vipers,
Got some news for you
It's election year in Chicago
Better hide all that Boo!

Tony Spumoni is a narco man
And he's got a nose for grass
(some spoken word and sound effects here)
If Tony ever catches you turnin' on
It's sure gonna be your ass!