VALERIE WILKINS
As recorded by Roaring Jelly on "In the Roar" (1981)

1. When Valerie Wilkins comes to play, she is always leader.
She always gets her own way, the rotten selfish bleeder!
And the reason she bosses me:
I'm 3 foot 7; she's 4 foot 3.
And besides, she's 3 months older than me, so I do what I'm told,
Cos she is six and a quarter and I'm just six years old.

CHORUS: Who's that knocking on my door?
Big Valerie Wilkins and she lives next door.
Curses, curses! She wants to play at nurses
And I want to play at war.

2. When she's in a good mood, she lets me play at cowboys,
But today she's got her nurse's apron on, so I'll have to play at hospitals now, boys,
And there's no fun for me in store.
She makes me lie in bed for an hour or more,
And pretends I've got pneumonia when I've only got a (sneeze) cold,
Cos she is six and a quarter and I'm just six years old. CHORUS

3. Then one day at teatime, I says: "I want to play with me rifle,"
But Valerie threw a tantrum; she spat straight in me trifle,
And blimey! she screamed at me.
She pulled my hair and she kicked me on the knee,
Causing me to spill my tea all on me sausage roll,
Cos she is six and a quarter and I'm just six years old. CHORUS

4. Three months later I realized I was six and a quarter.
I'd caught up with Valerie, could hardly hold me water.
And I was happy as could be,
But when I told me mum, she explained to me:
"You can never be as old as Valerie," and she began to laugh,
Cos I was six and a quarter, yeah! but she was six and a half. CHORUS


There you are, Jane. My pleasure.