Having played Santa once, I know exactly how he must have felt ... Imagine children pulling the beard, expecting the rubber band going "twaing", but being shocked instead by Santa Claus shouting, "AAAARGH that hurts -- let go yer little bastard, let go!"

The Santa Tank Song
(to the tune of "Sam Hall")

Oh my Name is Santa Claus, Chimney climb, Chimney climb
Oh my Name is Santa Claus, Chimney climb
Through your chimney I do fall, And I hate you one and all,
You're a bunch of muckers all,
Blast your eyes, damn your souls,
Youre a bunch of muckers all, blast your eyes!

As I landed on the roof, with my sleigh, with my sleigh
As I landed on the roof, with my sleigh
As I landed on the roof, not a noise made rudolf's hoof,
Climbing down I made my way, through the soot, through the soot,
climbing down I made my way through the soot

In the fireplace I got trapped, thats no joke, thats no joke,
in the fireplace I got trapped, that's no joke!
In the fireplace I got trapped, in a sling the kids had set,
My poor stomach they did poke, pushed my nose, pulled my beard
My poor stomach they did poke, pulled my beard!

Modern children are so bad, little devils, monsters all!
Modern children are so bad, monsters all!
Modern childen are so bad, they will surely drive me mad!
But this time I am prepared, blast their eyes, damn their soul,
But this time I am prepared, damn their soul!

Twelve marines to pull the sleigh with armoured sides of shining steel,
Twelve marines to pull the sleigh with sides of steel!
twelve marines to pull the sleigh, Hut! hut! Hut! on christmas eve,
And a grenade down the tube, clears the way, clears the way,
and a grenade down the tube clears the way!

duplicate message deleted and author's comments added to this message by mudelf ;-)