STUDY FINDS YOU REALLY DON'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE In Grand Scheme of Things, Your Hard Work, Diligence, Found to Mean Squat

London, England (SatireWire.com) — In an unprecedented study, British and American researchers have concluded that despite what you've been told at Mudcat, you really don't make a difference, and are not remotely integral to DT & the Mudcat Forum's success.

"In our research, we found that you've been encouraged to believe that your hard work and contributions are substantial, and that you are a significant member of the Mudcat community. But what we discovered is that in the members' particular case, there's no way," said Neil Romsby of the London School of Economics.

In the study, jointly conducted by the LSE and Stanford University's Business School, researchers interviewed Mudcat leaders and colleagues, and uncovered a variety of slogans meant to boost members' sense of worth, such as "Our members are our greatest asset," and, "Our value is in our community."

"We're not necessarily saying these platitudes are all lies," said Stanford economics professor Harold Bloom. "We're just saying they have nothing to do with actual Mudcat members."

"That may seem sad," Bloom noted, "but it's actually rather funny because their situation is quite obvious to everyone else."

Romsby added that it's also ironic. "When you tell Max, Dick & Susan they are doing a good job, you know you are lying, but when they tell you the same thing, you actually believe it. That's priceless."

Researchers concede the study may be difficult to accept —even though your anonymous guest colleagues insist it shouldn't really be a surprise — but suggest you begin by substituting the word meaningless for important whenever Max, Pene, Joe Offer, or the Joe Clones speak to you. For example: "Bunny Foo Foo, this is a really meaningless song harvesting collection project and I think you can make some meaningless contributions as a meaningless member of the team." Once you feel comfortable with that, Bloom added, substitute the word "shitty" for "meaningless," and you'll have a pretty good sense of where you stand.

In another finding, researchers also learned that contrary to Mudcat's public relations claims, Mudcat/DT is not really "creating an updated version" or "improving features of the forum." This, Romsby explained, is actually good news for you.

"By failing to make a difference at a place that also doesn't make a difference, at least you're not really hurting anybody," he said.

Credit due to SatireWire.com 2001, from whom I stole and edited to fit, just like the DT does.