THE HARTLEPOOL MONKEY
(A true story) by Alan Wilkinson

It happened up in Hartlepool about the time of France.
The Emperor Napoleon was leading us a dance,
When up along the coast came a British man of war.
The captain's old pet monkey he got washed up on the shore.

CHORUS: Singin' old folks, young folks, every man and beast,
Come and see the Frenchy that's landed on the beach.
He's got long arms a great long tail and he's covered all over with hair.
We think that he's a spy, so we'll hang him in the square.

Now the Lord Mayor of Hartlepool was walking by the shore
When he saw this funny thing he'd never seen before.
A-sittin' in the sand was a little hairy man
Clutchin' a banana in his little hairy hand. CHORUS

Now the Lord Mayor fetched the town clerk who hurried to the shore,
Where they found this little man where he had been before.
A crowd had gathered 'round him 'cause he was the strangest sight
Since the Sportin' Club caught fire on the previous Friday night. CHORUS

Now Constable Parsons he hurried to the scene.
He viewed the situation and he licked his pencil clean.
He said, "causin' hay disturbance is a serious hoffence,
Hand hefferething you say will go down in hef fid dense." CHORUS

When this little man spoke, a funny thing was heard,
And constable parsons couldn't hunderstand a word.
The reason for his puzzlement was plain for all to see:
This little man's a foreigner from far across the sea. CHORUS

So they hung, hung, this little Frenchy from the gallows in the town
With a rope, a rope, around his little neckie weck, and his tail all hangin' dawn,
As a lesson to Napoleon to make himself a rule
Not to send his little hairy spies to dear old Hartlepool. CHORUS

As sung by Vin Garbutt on Eston California. Topic records London. Copyright permission to perform from Phonographic Performances Ltd., Evelyn House, 62 Oxford St, London SW1


THE OLD DUN COW

Some friends and I in a public house playin' dominoes one night
When all of a sudden in the pot man rushed, his face just like a kite.
"What's up?" said Brown. "Have you seen your aunt? Have you seen your Aunt Maria?"
"Me Aunt Maria be blowed!" sez he. "The bleedin' pub's on fire."

CHORUS: There was Brown, upside down, moppin' up the whisky on the floor.
"Booze, booze!" the firemen cried as they came knocking on the door (knock, knock)
"Don't let 'em in till it's all mopped up," somebody shouted "Macintyre" (Macintyre)
And we all got blue blind paralytic drunk when the Old Dun Cow caught fire.

"On fire?" sez Brown. "What a bit of luck! Come along below," sez he.
"And down in the cellar if the fire's not there, we'll have a rare old spree."
So we all went down with good old Brown, for beer we could not miss.
Well, we had not been five minutes there before we were all inebriated. CHORUS

Johnson rushed to the port wine tub, gave it just a few hard knocks.
He started takin' off his pantaloons, likewise his shoes and socks.
"Hold on," sez Brown. "If you want to wash your feet, we've got some four ale here.
Don't wash your trotters in the port wine tub, when we've lot of stale old beer." CHORUS

Just then, there came such an awful crash, half the bloomin' roof gave way.
We all got drowned by the firemen's hose, but still we were all gay.
So we got some sacks and old tin tacks and sealed ourselves inside,
And we started drinking good old scotch (hic) till we were bleary eyed. CHORUS