Vatican press release, Friday 19 April 2002

His holyness the big guy, ok wee short fella actually. Wishes to announce that he is distributing, 2 million bodhrans to all his diocese around the world. They are to be used by the priests in premarriage lessons, to practice the rhythm method.

A strict jig beat will be imposed on all future engaged couples and a practise schedule of 2 months imposed prior to the impending date.

Any couples straying from the jig beat, will have a fine levied upon them and will be disqualified for one week. None of that fancy syncopations stuff, it's been medically proven it makes you blind.

Coupons for Mr Bottle Bottom the opticians are available on special dispensation. All enquiries for the aforementioned coupons are available on request, and will be treated with strictest confidentiality. In no way or form will this be used against you, but anything you say may be taken down and used as evidence.

The Pope would like to thank his sponsor, a Mr Malachy Kearns who has taken refuge in the Church of the blessed saint around the corner from the Vatican.

Here ends the press release.

Mr. Alfonso Mario Grizado supermario Fiorelli