Don't forget the puddin' if you cook for Eamonn Holmes
He wuz roun' our house last Sunday; ate us out of house and home
I caught him on heez han's and knees, eatin' the dog's bone
Fal-de-deedle-do

We had nettle champ for dinner, with butter in the hole
We settled down to afters, a big oul' Arctic Roll
He ast if there wuz seconds and he ate a dozen bowls
Fal-de-deedle-do

Don't forget the freshener when Eamonn hits the loo
If he ates just leck a pig, then he smells just like one too
He's upstairs with the Sunday World, he's at the Number Two
Fal-de-deedle-do

It came aroun' till three o'clock, sez I "We'll have a squib"
Well he dribbled like a chil', I shud huv give the man a bib
"Any chance there of a bikkie? There's nothing roun' my ribs!"
Fal-de-deedle-do

He ate a plate o' Wagon Wheels, some Kimberleys as well
A stack of buttered Maries came, and on them Eamonn fell
The state o' the place wi' bikkie crumbs, I hardly dare to tell
Fal-de-deedle-do

And then he lifted up a hip and made an awful roar
The gases that did then ensue, t'was at my throat they tore
It was like the soldiers' trenches in the 1914 war
Fal-de-deedle-do

Don't forget the shovel if you dine with Eamonn Holmes
For sweetenin' his Punjana, then clearin' out the toilet bowl
If he blitters fit to choke you, send the bingo-caller home
Fal-de-deedle-do