Thon new bit o' singin' I've just done with Altan has re-invigorated me. I've just come up with a re-working of thon oul' favourite o' mine, "Arthur McBride", but I've changed it roun' till it refers to the big-assed bingo-caller from Lurgan. Me and my cousin, one Mickey O'Loan Met up in Cafolla's with the boul' Eamonn Holmes A male in a café beats one made at home At least that's the gist of the theory We got a wee sate near the back of the place The slabbers was drippin' aff Eamonn's oul face The air it was thick with the sweet smell of gr'ase And it made us feel pleasant and cheery "What 're yez havin'?" the waitress then said "Fish suppers all roun', love. An' slices o' bread. An' big mugs o' tay." We're always well-fed, An' daycent an' hale an' contented Well, up came the grub, it was graisy as hell Yer mawn near combusted when he caught a smell Wi' heez knife and heez fork he was goin' pell-mell Like an eatin' machine was invented! Well he let out a rift when he'd cleaned heez oul' plate He sez "Jayziz, boys, thon oul' feedin' wuz great. I'm the mawn that is fon' o' a good drap o' mate An' thon wuz far better than nothin'! But nice as it wuz, I have to confess That the size o' the portions don't suit me the best For I have a stummick inside my oul' vest That takes a right bit o' stuffin'" So up came the waitress and Holmes, he said "Miss, There's many's the boys who would ask for a kiss But all I want aff you is a big lump o' fish Deep-fried in the crispiest batter And a big scoop o' chips, piled up in a moun' An' I don't give a damn if the cost is ten poun's For the money I'm earnin' would surely astoun' So a note here or there disn't matter!" So up then came seconds, and later came thirds Sez Eamonn "Sure, Jayziz I ate like a bird For they ate twice their weight every day, so I've heard" And then it was back to the feedin' For slabbers and gravy you'd scarce see his face His oul' double chin was covered in gr'ase He's the talk o' everyone in the place A kick up the hole's what he's needin' And then at the ice-cream when the suppers were done Oysters an' nougats and 99 cones The waitresses working themselves to the bone To keep the boul' Eamon in rations Pineapple minerals he drank by the score And oul' sarsaparilla, raspberry and more A gallon o' coffee when the 'ating was o'er "Ah, Jayziz, boys, thon was fair smashin'!" Then homeward he waddled till watch the TV "I hope there's a programme on, featurin' me" He thought as he sproghalled on his oul' settee Which groaned cos oul' Eamonn was bulky But all that was on was oul' Portydown Glo And Paulin the poet, on the Late Review show "There's damn all worth watchin'. To bed I will go." Sez Eamonn all tearful and sulky ….
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