(Fade in ABC newsreader)

"The Prime Minister, Mr Howard, has announced that an illegal people-smuggling racket of gigantic proportions has today been foiled by units of the Australian armed forces in a death-defying bid to prevent an authorised vessel approaching these hallowed shores. This dastardly bid to invade our land has been thwarted by the bravery and brilliant action of our gallant servicemen and servicewomen.

As innumerable adults lining the rails of the orange coloured vessel prepared to hurl thousands of children into the shark infested seas, the rotten, rust-riddled hulk managed to slip into a sea-mist and has since disappeared. The craft, believed to be the M.V. Isaac McKittery, registered in Liberia, crewed in Northern Ireland and banned in most ports, has not been sighted since the occurrence, early today.

Forty-three videos, six hundred and fifty-eight still photographs, three oil paintings and a marble statue of the Isaac McKittery and its' heavily overcrowded human cargo were sent back from the naval vessels involved. These have been dismissed as fraudulent and impermissible evidence by Mr Ruddock, Minister for Eliminating Immigration. An authorised photograph has been released for publication, which shows a slightly out of focus and grainy view of Mr Howard on a fact-finding mission to George Dubbya.

It is hoped that this successful action will reduce even further the illegal immigration of unwanted foreigners into this, our own, our sacred homeland.

(Stands, sings two choruses of Waltzing Matilda, fade out.....)