The by now customary entry to the tune of "Nell Flaherty's Drake".
MY NAME IT IS BRUCE
My name it is Bruce and to tell you the truth
A swimmer am I of some fame and renown
I'm slick and I'm fast and I'm rarely surpassed
And never outclassed when the chips they are down
But try as I might (and I try day and night)
I cannot improve on my personal best
But my coach has a scheme, "It'll work like a dream"
He cheerfully beamed and he stuck out his chest
Well I had a shock, when I saw the croc
Says I to the coach, "Hey Mate, what's the game?"
"Oh don't be a fool! Get into the pool.
It's totally cool, he's perfectly tame!
But I'll guarantee … and soon you will see
That your rate of progress will greatly increase
One little nudge and by Christ you will budge -
As God is my judge! – like lightning that's greased!"
That cold-blooded beast like a monster unleashed
With a swish of his tail commenced his pursuit
And I like an otter sliced through the water
But the crocodile gained on me foot upon foot
Till his scaly nose brushed on my toes
And I like a rocket leapt up on dry land
And so, since that day, I'm sorry to say
My career as a swimmer has come to an end
God damn his oul' scales and his oul' horny tail
That amphibious reptile who caused me such dread
I'll not rest in peace till that ancient oul' beast
Is murdered, deceased or otherwise dead
I'll dance a cotillion on that reptilian
Vile crocodilian's freshly-dug grave
And I'll raise a loud cheer the instant I hear
He'll no more interfere with a bold swimmer brave
I detest his oul' snout and his toothsome oul' mouth
His hideous pout and his hypocrite's tear
Neither smoothie nor charmer, encased within armour
He thinks he's got nothing and no-one to fear
But if Tarzan the apeman, got into a scrape, man
The watery reptile would soon rue the day
Cos the Lord Of The Jungle is known not to bungle
When he wrestles with reptiles in mortal affray
duplicate post deleted by mudelf ;-)