DEAR ABBY
As recorded by John Prine on "Sweet Revenge" (1973)

Dear Abby, Dear Abby, my feet are too long.
My hair's fallin' out 'n' my rights are all wrong.
My friends they all tell me that I've no friends at all.
Won't you write me a letter? Won't you give me a call?
Signed, Bewildered.

Bewildered, Bewildered, you have no complaint.
You are what you are, an' you ain't what you ain't,
So listen up, buster, an' listen up good:
Stop wishin' for bad luck an' knockin' on wood.

Dear Abby, Dear Abby, my fountain pen leaks,
My wife hollers at me, an' my kids are all freaks.
Ever' side I get up on is the wrong side o' bed.
If it weren't so expensive, I'd wish I were dead.
Signed, Unhappy.

Unhappy, unhappy, you have no complaint.... [etc.—same as above.]

Dear Abby, Dear Abby, you won't believe this,
But my stomach makes noises whenever I kiss.
My girlfriend tells me it's all in my head,
But my stomach tells me to write you instead.
Signed, Noisemaker.

Noisemaker, Noisemaker.... [etc.]

Dear Abby, Dear Abby, well I never thought
That me an' my girlfriend would ever get caught.
We was sittin' in the back seat just shootin' the breeze
With her hair up in curlers an' her pants to her knees.
Signed, Just Married.

Just Married, Just Married... [etc.]

Signed, Dear Abby.