I've been shamed by Áine and Deda into submitting an entry!

So … to the tune of Killieburne Brae (as recorded by, amongst others, the Dubliners and appearing in Colm O'Lochlainn's Irish Street Ballads Volume One as, if memory serves me right, The Women Are Worse Than The Men"). All of the above a vain attempt to establish some credibility before I drive a coach and horses through any semblance of same by the following!

There was an oul' woman down Italy way
Rifle-rifle-tiddle-aye-ay
There was an oul' woman down Italy way
And she'd lived in a tree for many a day
With me fol-de-rol-da, tiddle-aye-a, fol-de-rol-da fol-iddle-aye-ay

Her husband was nearly driv out of his mind
Rifle, etc.
Her husband was nearly driv out of his mind
With his wife who was perched in the firs and the pines
With me etc.

He tried to get wifey to live on the ground
Rifle, etc.
He tried to get wifey to live on the ground
But try as he might she just wouldn't come down
With me etc.

When charm didn't work, then he soon had recourse
Rifle, etc.
When charm didn't work, then he soon had recourse
To the final solution of physical force
With me etc.

He pelted his woman with big lumps of stones
Rifle, etc.
He pelted his woman with big lumps of stones
She answered each volley with branches and cones
With me etc.

Says she to her husband, "Now war is declared"
Rifle, etc.
Says she to her husband, "Now war is declared
I'll finish my days in the trees like a bird"
With me etc.

And away through the branches the woman did flit
Rifle, etc.
Away through the branches the woman did flit
Though her husband bemoaned she did not care a whit
With me etc.

A year came and went with no sight nor sign
Rifle, etc.
A year came and went with no sight nor sign
And to her departure her man was resigned
With me etc.

One day when out walking his oul' lurcher hound
Rifle, etc.
One day when out walking his oul' lurcher hound
In the branches above him he noticed a sound
With me etc.
An army of finches and squirrels and owls
Rifle, etc.
An army of finches and squirrels and owls
In the branches above him were starting to prowl
With me etc.

Says one of the squirrels "Your former oul' wife"
Rifle, etc.
Says one of the squirrels "Your former oul' wife
Has given us orders to take your oul' life"
With me etc.

"We beasts of the trees have given our pledge"
Rifle, etc.
"We beasts of the trees have given our pledge
That your wife's cruel treatment we're bound to avenge"
With me etc.

And with those words the squirrel leapt on the man's head
Rifle, etc.
With those words the squirrel leapt on the man's head
A ferocious attack left the bugger for dead
With me etc.

But the poor man came round and he prayed on his knees
Rifle, etc.
The poor man came round and he prayed on his knees
And he moved to the desert where there aren't any trees
With me etc.